The dreaded day, the wake up call to my self-discovery

The journey of self-discovery:

I dreaded the thought of what I might find. What if I “didn’t have it all together”? What if I needed development, healing or support from others? I couldn’t imagine opening myself up to judgment.

This way of being, this fear of being seen, led to years of false narratives, poor relationships, addictions, feelings of loneliness, jealousy and a long affair with depression.

That is, until one day changed it all - a day that dared me to explore, to connect, to develop, and to stand up for my life and who I was capable of being.

It is a day that I will never forget that became an eye opener that saved me to start this journey.

Now, I can’t say that I remember everything or in fact the events that led up to it because alcohol was involved (another topic and post later) but once I found out that I did such a horrible thing to someone that not only was my best friend but someone I counted on and loved… I remember feeling humiliated, ashamed, hopeless, scared and numb. I felt everything and nothing all at once. I wanted to stop the hurt. The guilt saturated me. I begged for forgiveness, I pleaded for him not to leave but the damage was done. I was devastated.

A week later still feeling the guilt and shame I just didn’t care about “me” anymore. I didn’t care what happened. Now, this is very difficult for me to share but I am choosing to share it with you in hopes that somewhere out there someone else might be feeling this way as well and can be strong enough to hold on. I didn’t have any plans to hurt myself or anyone else but I just had this feeling of not wanting or caring to be here anymore. (Damn, that is a tough pill to swallow) I was scared and needed someone. So, I picked up the phone and talked to a friend for a while and she helped calm me for a bit but then we hung up and my mind started racing again. So, I did the next thing I knew I had to do and that was call my mom. I didn’t tell her anything about what had happened the week prior, I just was sobbing uncontrollably and told her I was scared and she said she was on her way.

I can’t tell you how grateful I was for her that day. She held me why I sobbed in her arms. I explained to her that I did something awful and that I didn’t think I could ever forgive myself, that is when she told me, “Jill, whatever it is, you have to forgive yourself. I love you and I will always be here for you no matter what.” Although those words just went through one ear and out the other, I was thankful that she was there and that she stayed with me, that alone gave me peace of mind and strength for the next day.

The following day I started researching every website, every avenue to get the help I needed. Prior to this day I had already attended 2 AA meetings but I am talking about therapy. I was able to reach out to a friend who knew of someone whom I called and scheduled an appt. with but I also found another place through my new job that found someone I could see until my insurance kicked in which I went to last night. 2 therapists might seem overboard but I wasn’t willing to go without anything at all. I was making the steps that I truly needed for myself and I was proud of myself for doing that.

So, moral of this you may ask? We make mistakes and those mistakes may be easily forgiven and some may not but it is what YOU do about it that counts. I have thought I have hit rock bottom before but I believe this was my rock bottom. It shook me to the core. I made some horrible mistakes and with those I KNEW I needed to change and I needed help. As sad as it is and what I did, the outcome was truly not what I wanted but it opened up my eyes and saved me and at least for that, I can be thankful. 

I needed to learn that alcohol was NOT my friend, I need to learn to deal with things that happened to me when I was younger and completely out of my control, I need to grieve for my father that passed in 2014 that I never had a chance to do, I need to forgive myself for my shortcomings, I need to learn to love myself, I need to let go of all of the anger in my heart, and I need to learn to trust people again.

THIS is where my journey really starts...

Jill

“The beginning is the most important part of the work.”