#Metoo

“The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it.” —Henry Thoreau

So, I believe by now that everyone is aware of what is going on with Harvey Weinstein and the “Me too” posts. I wasn’t planning on posting anything regarding this topic for a few reasons:  

1.     I recently made a post back in Aug. openly admitting that I was a victim of child sexual abuse. (http://jillian-meyer.blogspot.com/2017/08/reclaiming-life-after-abuse.html / )

2.     Although briefly talking to a counselor on the topic I know more is yet to come and true healing will take time and work. I know there are deeper emotions than just being a victim which I mention below and I am eager to jump in to those feelings, emotions, triggers to begin the true path of what has effected me.

3.     Since this all came out publicly and the coming forth of many of his victims it has weighed heavily mentally and emotionally on me, challenging me and resurfacing my past experiences, and draining my energy to focus on my goal to keep my eyes to the road ahead and not backwards.

After reading the above quote above I have decided to open up more and share about the struggles, emotions, and feelings that come from being a victim. Although these are my personal feelings and emotions this post is not for me, it's for anyone who has also been a victim. 

Shame:

In my years of protecting others from the damage they did I realized it was shame about what happened to me that kept me quiet.

Once I realized what had truly happened to me and that it was wrong I opened up to my HS boyfriend who forced me to tell my parents, who then sent me to counseling (and more which I prefer not to share here) and then that same boyfriend would use my abuse as an attack to belittle me, saying some horrible things that I still carry with me to this day.

I decided then that I would never reveal the most personal parts of myself to anyone and in the very few times that I did I still felt the immense shame as if I was “damaged goods” or that I wasn’t “worthy of their love.” Going through life just hoping to be accepted, always fearing abandonment and rejection. 

I tried to not only get over the damage, but make myself into a person that someone else would love and want to get to know. That the shame I felt was held in the idea that I was unlovable. That shame protected so many others, but not me. I used my feelings of shame to protect others from my pain and suffering.

The shame expressed itself in self-punishing habits like denying myself life’s necessities, seeking help, loving myself, anger, and bitterness. It dictated what I did and didn’t deserve. I deserved punishment; I didn’t deserve honor. I deserved criticism; I didn’t deserve respect. I deserved abandonment and rejection; I didn’t deserve attention or love. I was worthless for anything except sex and I was disgusting for it. I was disqualified for love and compassion and that I deserved to be abandoned. In my shame I abandoned myself.

Healing:

The greatest mystery of life is who we truly are. Now as I can remember the repeated accounts I also remember the resilient little girl behind the smiling mask. I was a chameleon who knew the world would not understand my pain. The burden of child abuse and survival is not something that anyone should suffer alone. I kept their secrets and did what was expected of me to survive the world that treats survivors as perpetrators. I was a chameleon to survive and to live again. I hid the abuse I suffered from people and from the world behind my smile. I smiled to say that I’m okay, that I’m one of you. I no longer hope for acceptance nor do I want to be accepted by people who would minimize or excuse rape and abuse. I do not want to be counted among those who are ignorant or ignore it. I will no longer hide. I know the world is cruel and I will live anyway. Now I take off the mask and reveal my true self, not just a survivor but a warrior, still alive, scars and all. My story does not end here but my true life and purpose begins here.

It breaks my heart to know now what that little girl, my inner child, went through all alone.

My mind is slowly revealing who I truly am. I am a survivor of child sexual abuse. I will no longer remain silent or hide behind the mask of a smile for anyone’s comfort. I am a survivor and I was a resilient child that grew up to still love deeply. They could not take that from me and they cannot have it now.

Telling yourself that you are worth more than what happened to you is difficult, believing it is even rougher. However, it is a mantra that must be repeated day after day and at time, minute after minute and I try to remind myself of this.

Strength in Numbers:

If you were abused and someone, anyone, didn’t believe you, know that I do. I believe you. I stand with you, and for you, in the small way I can. 

Speaking the truth after being abused takes incredible courage and strength. I am proud of you.  My story can be your story.

We can be victorious together as survivors. I am a survivor. You are a survivor.

We are stronger for having survived. We stand together triumphantly and move forward, bravely living abuse free lives.

If you have been abused or are currently a victim of abuse and have not yet spoken out, I urge you to reach toward a safe person and speak your truth. You too are strong and courageous and deserve to live an abuse free life. Stand with me, no longer a victim but a survivor.

Start today and make a new ending.

Jillian