Maybe the best present is to BE Present

Good morning!

Last night after quieting my mind and reading some of a new book called You Are A Badass: How to stop doubting your Greatness & start living an Awesome Life , I tried for the first time to meditate.

Who is familiar with this or does this? (Leave me a comment on what it was like when you began and any tips and tricks you have, I would love to hear)

I've done my research on it and understand that for beginners it can be a little challenging at first. My mind is always going, thinking, wondering, etc. So, I set a timer for 5 mins (so I wouldn't constantly be checking the time), sat in silence with my back against the wall, legs crossed and arms resting on my legs and hands cupped in my lap and started concentrating on my breathing. First thing I noticed, was that I had to keep reminding myself to relax my jaw. One of the suggestions was to close my eyes and envision a light shining over me and coming through me and out, making a complete circle of light. Many random thoughts came to me and each time one started; "thoughts of my mishap that happened 2 weeks ago, I would exhale and once I inhaled I repeated "forgive yourself" and kept inhaling those words until the thought left then went back to concentrating on my breathing. Then the thought of "wanting to really know what is going on deep down inside of me" so I exhaled that and every time I would inhale I would repeat "Be patient, I love myself."

Now, I don't really believe that is exactly how meditation is supposed to go but I know it takes practice but I CAN say this... When the alarm finally went off and I opened my eyes, I felt slightly foggy, relaxed and at peace. I smiled.

After that I laid down in bed and went to sleep but then woke up around 11:30 wide awake so I turned on Netflix and started watching a random movie that I picked out because I really wasn't planning on watching it but it was called To The Bone. I fell back asleep within 15-20 mins and then woke back up to the video I linked above. I watched and I cried because after watching the video and then a little more of the movie I realized the movie was about a young woman dealing with anorexia and she meets this Dr. where she joins the group of others battling their own demons. Her journey is to discover how to confront her disorder and learn self-acceptance.

Coincidence? I don't thing so. I don't suffer from anorexia but I do have other things that I need to confront and also learn self-acceptance so, I am planning on watching the full movie but I AM THANKFUL that I had a chance to see the beautiful part of "Because We Are Alive."

I am alive. I am thankful for another day. I came to work this morning and I was able to witness this beautiful site. So for today, I will keep repeating "I am thankful for today, forgive yourself, Be patient, I love myself."

Have a beautiful day and don't forget to subscribe to follow along.



I do not hold the rights to this video or song. If you would like to hear the song entirely you can listen to it here.  Jack Garratt - Water on Spotify

The dreaded day, the wake up call to my self-discovery

The journey of self-discovery:

I dreaded the thought of what I might find. What if I “didn’t have it all together”? What if I needed development, healing or support from others? I couldn’t imagine opening myself up to judgment.

This way of being, this fear of being seen, led to years of false narratives, poor relationships, addictions, feelings of loneliness, jealousy and a long affair with depression.

That is, until one day changed it all - a day that dared me to explore, to connect, to develop, and to stand up for my life and who I was capable of being.

It is a day that I will never forget that became an eye opener that saved me to start this journey.

Now, I can’t say that I remember everything or in fact the events that led up to it because alcohol was involved (another topic and post later) but once I found out that I did such a horrible thing to someone that not only was my best friend but someone I counted on and loved… I remember feeling humiliated, ashamed, hopeless, scared and numb. I felt everything and nothing all at once. I wanted to stop the hurt. The guilt saturated me. I begged for forgiveness, I pleaded for him not to leave but the damage was done. I was devastated.

A week later still feeling the guilt and shame I just didn’t care about “me” anymore. I didn’t care what happened. Now, this is very difficult for me to share but I am choosing to share it with you in hopes that somewhere out there someone else might be feeling this way as well and can be strong enough to hold on. I didn’t have any plans to hurt myself or anyone else but I just had this feeling of not wanting or caring to be here anymore. (Damn, that is a tough pill to swallow) I was scared and needed someone. So, I picked up the phone and talked to a friend for a while and she helped calm me for a bit but then we hung up and my mind started racing again. So, I did the next thing I knew I had to do and that was call my mom. I didn’t tell her anything about what had happened the week prior, I just was sobbing uncontrollably and told her I was scared and she said she was on her way.

I can’t tell you how grateful I was for her that day. She held me why I sobbed in her arms. I explained to her that I did something awful and that I didn’t think I could ever forgive myself, that is when she told me, “Jill, whatever it is, you have to forgive yourself. I love you and I will always be here for you no matter what.” Although those words just went through one ear and out the other, I was thankful that she was there and that she stayed with me, that alone gave me peace of mind and strength for the next day.

The following day I started researching every website, every avenue to get the help I needed. Prior to this day I had already attended 2 AA meetings but I am talking about therapy. I was able to reach out to a friend who knew of someone whom I called and scheduled an appt. with but I also found another place through my new job that found someone I could see until my insurance kicked in which I went to last night. 2 therapists might seem overboard but I wasn’t willing to go without anything at all. I was making the steps that I truly needed for myself and I was proud of myself for doing that.

So, moral of this you may ask? We make mistakes and those mistakes may be easily forgiven and some may not but it is what YOU do about it that counts. I have thought I have hit rock bottom before but I believe this was my rock bottom. It shook me to the core. I made some horrible mistakes and with those I KNEW I needed to change and I needed help. As sad as it is and what I did, the outcome was truly not what I wanted but it opened up my eyes and saved me and at least for that, I can be thankful. 

I needed to learn that alcohol was NOT my friend, I need to learn to deal with things that happened to me when I was younger and completely out of my control, I need to grieve for my father that passed in 2014 that I never had a chance to do, I need to forgive myself for my shortcomings, I need to learn to love myself, I need to let go of all of the anger in my heart, and I need to learn to trust people again.

THIS is where my journey really starts...

Jill

“The beginning is the most important part of the work.” 

New Journey

In the past I have used this blog for writings that I would type out or even hand write. I can't say where my journey was headed or if I even had a plan when I started this blog so many years ago. 

As I look back on some of my older posts I see the darkness, as I read others I see the light. 

Today, I am on a new journey. A journey of self-love and happiness. I was once told, "you can't possibly love someone else if you don't love yourself first." Although I see the truth behind that statement but I also believe it is possible to love someone even though you yourself don't fully love your own self. What does stick out from that statement IS this... Even though I can still love someone to the depths of my core without loving myself first, imagine the love that I can truly give IF I did love myself first!

So, I plan to remove all of my previous posts (besides a few) and start new. Fresh, clean slate. New Chapter. New blog name. The journey that I plan to take won't be easy, it's scary because I know I am going to face some darkness and ugliness, I will be vulnerable which is not something I am good at, and it's going to be uncomfortable, but what I hope to gain and share with you is the lessons I plan and want to learn, it won't always be pretty but what I want in the outcome is self-love, happiness, healing, forgiveness and beauty. 

Will you follow me on my journey?