The
last few years have been life changing in not always the best possible ways but
in the last 8 weeks I’ve learned so much about myself, things I didn’t have the
courage to acknowledge before.
It
hasn’t all been a bed of roses—some of the insights I’ve gleaned haven’t been
that comfortable to see.
One
of the things I have recently been reflecting on is the Ego and how it plays a
role within my life. I have recently realized that when disagreements or
arguments erupt in my personal relationships, it is often over the smallest
things, which seem so important at the time. A prime example is something such
as someone asking me to do something without saying, “please” or a text that I
may take completely out of context.
Such
a minor failing has the power to seriously irritate me, causing an argument to
blow up out of all proportion—sending one or either of us into fits of temper
tantrums that can end with one or both of us brooding and not speaking to the
other.
Although we’re both possibly aware how childishly we’re behaving
and can see our over-reactions, we are nevertheless at a loss to stop or change
this process. Why? Because of our egos!
For
the first time in my life I am seeing, experiencing, and understanding the ego
play that takes place in every conflict I have. These insights are allowing me
to unravel the true nature of my ego and its workings.
If
I were to describe my ego, I would compare it to an irritable, barely
containable caged monster on the one hand and an irate, screaming five-year-old
on the other. And just like a child that doesn’t get her own way, she’s
constantly throwing tantrums.
These
tantrums take the form of anger, hurt, fear, defensiveness, exaggeration,
frustration, self-preservation, insecurity, self-pity, and tears—all mixed with
large quantities of drama.
In
the heat of an argument, my five-year-old ego is very quick to feel hurt, so
she reacts by jumping, stomping her feet, cursing, and defending herself. Then,
just as quickly, the caged monster surfaces, rearing up like an angry giant,
sword and shield in hand, ready to inflict hurt in return.
I
literally see my ego self-rising up like a dark shadowy character, looming
menacingly above my head.
Of course I know this ego play
doesn’t solve anything—it only serves to trigger the other’s own ego defense
games. Suddenly we’re both wounded five-year-olds, shouting and throwing ugly
insults back and forth at each other.
Then,
invariably, we have to argue about who started it and which one of us is right.
As
you can imagine, these ego battles take up a lot of energy and are very stressful,
not to mention emotionally draining.
I
notice that when I’m in this heightened state of drama, my ability for logical
thinking goes out of the window. I lose all connection to my grown-up self and
I feel the adult receding, regressing me back to an insecure child.
I see myself adopting the same body language and survival
strategies I used when I got into disputes during childhood.
Looking
back, it’s obvious to me that my current over-reactions have a lot to do with
how I was brought up or the relationships I have been in.
As
a child/ teen, I didn’t have the awareness to recognize the surge of my ego
during these altercations with my parents or relationships, when my very
existence felt under threat. But of course, every part of me screamed silently
in protest, including my ego.
Now, as a so-called mature adult,
it’s quite disconcerting to visibly witness my conditioned responses popping to
the surface during heated conflicts, especially when some part of me feels
threatened.
These
responses haven’t altered or evolved at all since my childhood. Sometimes it
feels like I’ve never really grown up.
I still discover myself seething in the same helpless way to
emotional triggers and feeling the same powerlessness when my will is
challenged or when I feel controlled, as I often do during conflicts.
My
ego rears up in anger and defense in exactly the way it did when I was a child/teen.
And
yet, even in the most extreme spells of ego drama, I have found it difficult to
be able to take a step back from my hurt, stealing a momentary pause from the heat of my frustration.
Doing
these short breaks would allow my anger to calm, giving space for my ego to
stand down. Then being able to recognize the reasons for my exaggerated reactions,
understanding that a part of me was feeling threatened.
I’ve
observed that my biggest over-reactions occur when a partner threatens what I
deem important.
It’s utterly clear to me that my ego simply functions to protect
the parts of myself I feel I must defend, secure, or guard, like my will, my
way of expression, my beliefs and moral values.
My ego jumps up in defense of these values because of the
importance I’ve given them, effectively giving my ego permission to react
whenever these values feel challenged.
Amazingly,
the truth is, these morals can only exert power over me if I allow them to. I
can equally decide not to give them any power at all, which should gradually
stop my ego’s need to defend them.
I
know it will take time to break this pattern of over-reactions to emotional
triggers, since my conditioned responses are almost automatic now. However, in
conflict situations, if in one time out of ten I don’t react, it will certainly
make a difference to my life and relationships, won’t it?
What
a liberation that will be!
For
years I’ve unknowingly been trapped in the same ego cycle of trigger/reaction,
trigger/reaction that developed when I was a child/ teen.
Now,
with the benefit of being able to witness my ego play in action, I no longer
feel a prisoner of its games. For the first time in life, I am learning to
choose whether or not to react.
These
other insights around my ego will hopefully improve my relationships, as well
as the relationships with family and friends.
The ego
wants to blame others.
We have all become so accustomed to blaming
other people and circumstances that we are often not even conscious that we’re
doing it.
On the surface, it’s much easier to blame
others, because it removes the burden of accountability from us and places it
firmly at the feet of the other. However, although blaming others appears to be
a quick-fix solution, in all honesty, it isn’t.
Believe it or not, blaming others takes
away our control of the situation and passes it onto the
other. It prevents us from seeing the whole truth of the issue and blocks us
from fully understanding ourselves, which can keep us stuck in the same
obstructive patterns of behavior.
For years I blamed people for everything that
was wrong in my life. I blamed them for not being there for me, for not supporting me and for not being
who I expected them to be. Spending so much time and energy blaming them, I
wasn’t able to see my own part in the situation.
When I finally had the courage to stop blaming
others, it came as quite a shock to me to realize that I was equally
responsible for the things I was unhappy with.
It’s clear to me that my ego’s fear of
admitting culpability kept me in blame mode.
I naturally progressed onto blaming my
partner, because my ego makes it difficult for me to accept my part in a
conflict that I am at least partly responsible for. So it’s no surprise our
arguments escalated as they did.
Ultimately, we must all strive to accept
responsibility for every action we take, even the ones we’re ashamed of. The
more we’re able to do this, the stronger we become and the weaker our egos will
be, gradually loosening the grip they have on us.
The ego covers up.
Another
thing I can say about the ego is that it will do anything to cover up its
mistakes, especially when it sees it’s wrong. Its attempts to cover up increase
when caught red-handed, behaving just like a child caught with his hand in the
cookie jar.
Maybe
my actions as a child could be excused, but sadly, my behavior as an adult
hasn’t improved—I still find myself fighting to deny the truth when I’m
unexpectedly caught off guard.
My
ego hates being so easily called out, so it must cover up and defend.
One
of the hardest things for any of us to do is to admit we are wrong, because
when we own up to being wrong, it automatically makes the other right.
And
being wrong is something our egos cannot bear. As a result, we find it
difficult to say sorry or to ask forgiveness, which exacerbates our conflicts.
I’m
also recognizing that our inability to admit our wrongdoing keeps us stuck in
our defensive positions, which allows our egos to fool us into fighting,
justifying, and defending every point of view—a complete drain of our energy.
I’ve
noticed, however, that when I see the truth and can openly admit it, surprisingly,
rather than separating, the admission can bring us closer together, healing
some of the hurt we created during our conflict.
So
admitting that we are wrong need not be a negative experience, but can instead
empower us, lessening some of the control our egos have on us
The ego wants to
hurt back.
For
me, one of the worst things in the world is the pain of feeling hurt, as I
imagine is true for most of us.
Sometimes,
the hurt we feel paralyzes us and we’re unable to fight back, but at other
times, the only thing we can think of is how we can hurt the other person back.
Our
egos trick us into believing that hurting the other will alleviate the pain
we’re feeling.
I’ve
realized that in all conflict situations, it is actually our egos that feel
hurt. Again because some value or aspect of the image we have internally built
up of ourselves is being challenged, threatened, or undermined in one way or
another.
I’m
ashamed to say that on many occasions, both in my childhood and adulthood, my
ego has wanted nothing more than to inflict as much pain on others as possible,
as a way of lessening some of the hurt it was feeling.
But
retaliation is not the answer; it only adds more fuel to the fires of our egos.
Maybe
I can be forgiven for saying that in my childhood, hurting others was an
unconscious reaction to my own feelings of hurt. And in the recent past when I
was still unawake, hurting someone who hurt me was my natural course of action.
But now, with my increasing awareness, knowingly hurting another is not
something I can condone.
In
the heat of ego fights, when my ego rears up ready to defend itself, I know it will be hard,
but as I am becoming more and more able to check myself before I go over the line
with insults I know will cause pain I plan to pause before reacting.
I
consider this a huge triumph over my ego, and something I’m proud of.
Every
time I can stop myself from blindly over-reacting to a perceived threat to my
values and can become an observer of my ego and its games, I know I’m taking a
step in the right direction.
The
more conscious we can all become of our ego play in action, the more freedom we
will gain from our egos. Then, over time and with consistent effort, positive
changes to our life journeys and relationships are inevitable.
