Dating Blows

Can I get an AMEN?

It wasn't until a couple of weeks ago I decided to try some dating apps (I've been on there before to see what it was all about prior to this). Now, I knew that I wasn't ready for a serious relationship but I also knew I wasn't looking for a "hook up." So, I let that be known and put those words on my dating profile thinking at the time that it was better to be up front and honest and also a short resume of myself.. umm I mean bio. There I was swiping left on any guy who had his shirt off in pictures, left on guys who had no bio, left on any profile that had all a group of guys and not knowing which one the profile was about, left on any guy who had pictures with him and a group of women, maybe finding a right until I had 5 mutual likes then turning my profile off of public to avoid any distractions to continue the easiness of swiping to only judge these guys on their 300 characters and handful of pictures. I was trying to be fair.

There I am trying to establish a conversation to only lead to couple of things. For most we exchanged a "how are you today and reply" to only go absolutely silent. I did manage to give one guy my number after 2 days of going back and forth to a couple of days later having what was at the time a horrific WTF nightmare while having a FaceTime chat that was quite comical to tell my friends about after I blocked him on the dating app and Snapchat.

I will be honest, I wasn't putting too much effort in it. After the nightmare I deleted the dating apps. After knowing I put it out there that I wasn't looking for a serious relationship nor a hook up, I can see where that could give a guy the wrong impression of what I was trying to seek, hell I didn't even know what that meant. I guess like so many coming out of a long term relationship I was looking to fill a void.

Which brings me to this...

In today's world it has become for so many of us easier to communicate and share our lives through the comfort of a screen. Social media sites are built now days to be secretive and hide things, giving instant gratification for seekers and receivers, ruining relationships one by one, making it easier to just erase the moments shared with the click of the delete, unfriend, and unfollow button or "ghosting," apps to make yourself appear or to stand out from the crowd to hopefully have a match to only turn around and not even talk to that person but to keep searching for better options and so on and so on. It's easy to not put forth the effort in someone you have never met before and who doesn't truly know you. It's also becoming easier for people to always be seeking for greener grass on the other side rather then watering what they do have. Then there are those of us filling a void.

I come from where any serious relationship I have ever had came from knowing them in school or meeting through mutual friends so, this whole new world of dating is completely foreign and down right scary to me. I come from what seems like a vanishing thing where going on a real date with someone and seeing if there is some kind of connection has turned into "wanna Netflix and chill?" Instead of talking on the phone for hours getting to know each other it has turned into a text or message, quick follow on this site or that site with a "like" here and there. I come from a place where being intimate with a person meant you cared for that person and anticipated more things to come with them to now it is a one night stand or a "hook up" here and there and a possible FWB (Friends with benefits) to having NSA (no strings attached.)

I come from a world where Love was the purest and most wonderful thing to give and receive. Don't get me wrong sex is great (with the right person) but has Sex really replaced this? Meeting someone I was really interested in left me looking forward to see him again, excited to get a message from him during the day which made me smile, wanting to build and grow as friends and lovers. I see women starving for attention and will take it in any form even if that means hooking up with a guy she just met on a dating site the day before. I see both men and women being open for FWB and/ or one night stands with complete strangers. I see men and I have personally encountered with the nightmare how men disrespect women, only to cat-call, make comments on their ass and tits, overstepping boundaries to test the waters and see how far they can get.

Where have morals and respect gone for others and ourselves? Have we stopped treating people like humans? What if that was your daughter or son, then how would you feel? Are we all just fresh meat now? Where has the mystery of truly getting to know someone gone? Has Sex really replaced Love? For those only looking for hook ups and FWB's, do they ask each other for a copy of their most recent STD test? Do people even get tested anymore?! Are we left where people would rather fall asleep next to their phone instead of a loving partner? What happened to the "wooing" part?

People have become disposable, and as a result, everyone's always looking for the next bigger, better thing in an over-saturated market.

If that is the case then I am not sure I will ever be ready for the new world of dating.

So, the conclusion for me; What does "not wanting a serious relationship or hook-up" really mean? Well, it means I am certainly not ready, not wanting to look or put myself out there and I am OK with that. 

Selfless

“Selfishness is that detestable vice which no one will forgive in others, and no one is without himself.” – Henry Ward Beecher

With little or no effort, we recognize the ugly effects of greed and selfishness on our society, culture, and nations. The greed of others makes this world a less pleasurable place to live for all of us. We wish they would change for the sake of everyone. In some cases, we even unify and protest to pressure them to change.

All the while, our personal greed rarely goes challenged. Recognizing the negative effects of corporate selfishness is easy. But identifying our own selfish motivation is more difficult to accomplish. It is, after all, far more painful to discover and admit. Unless you have a wake up call. 

What has selfishness been within me? Jealousy, being angry and bitter, negatively impacting relationships, high expectations, unforgiving, keeping me from experiencing love, joy, hope, gratitude, generosity and hindering me from true contentment.

I used to be one of the most unselfish people. (I am not saying I was perfect and never had selfish tendencies but 8 out of 10 times I would always put the needs of others before myself.) I would go out of my way to make someone smile, I would give my last dollar if I knew someone needed it, I would give without expectations but that all changed for some reason.

I lost sight of how being selfless made me feel. I was content, happier, giving, lovable, had little to no expectations, I was grateful for people in my life and my life. I hate what happened to me! I suppose I was wallowing in self-pity and I became stuck in the quicksand.  

I no longer want to live a selfish life nor will I hold on thinking a kind act done owes me one in return. Every day I will give out love, hope, joy, forgiveness, and gratitude. It’s taken me some time to see this but I am really starting to believe in the energy that you give out comes back to you. Plant the seed and watch it grow. Smile and be thankful.

May we refuse to overlook the importance of selflessness. Instead, may we choose to pursue selflessness as the very means to achieve happiness—not just for our own sake, but for the sake of those we choose to love.

“There is nothing more beautiful than someone who goes out of their way to make life beautiful for others.” 

~Jillian~

You are more than your mistakes

We’ve all done things we aren’t proud of. Made decisions that we’ve immediately wished we could take back. Uttered words out loud that have instantly twisted our gut with a pang of discomfort and regret. We’ve all done things without thinking, or while only thinking of ourselves and no one else. We’ve all done things because they’ve felt good in the moment, ignoring what we know will be an unfortunate outcome.

Bottom line, we’ve all made mistakes. Sometimes we even repeat them. Sometimes not just once, but over and over again. And when that happens, it’s not difficult to start beating yourself up. To look at the wreckage that surrounds you, the one that you yourself have conjured up, and hate yourself for what you’ve caused.

It’s all too easy to go back in time, to pluck out those instances from your memory, and count them one by one. To revisit and replay them until they’re stuck in the forefront in your mind, instead of in the past where they belong.

No one likes to screw up. We all want to make the right decision, one hundred percent of the time.

But the truth is that what we actually need to be doing is forgiving ourselves for the mistakes we’ve made, not punishing ourselves for them.

What we need to really being doing is examining those instances, and ultimately learning from them. When we pull those mistakes from the storage of our memories, we can’t just chastise ourselves for the stupid things that we’ve done. We can’t simply look at ourselves in anger.

The world that we live in preaches perfection; we’re all under the impression that the only option we have is to succeed, that we need to do everything right the first time we attempt it. And our culture isn’t one that encourages trial and error, but rather one that pushes perfectionism with the only alternate being total failure.

But I don’t need to tell you that this isn’t the way the world actually works.

No one gets everything right the first time. There’s never been a person who’s lived on this earth who has gotten everything completely correct. Even those who seems to have it all figured out have made awful mistakes, ones that they probably thought would change the trajectory of their lives for the worst.

And behind every successful person is a path at least partly cemented with regret for what could have been, but ultimately never came to be because of a mistake that was made.

So instead of beating ourselves up over every stupid thing we’ve ever done, over every relationship we’ve sabotaged, every person we’ve hurt and every opportunity we gave up for something that didn’t pan out as well as we thought, let’s take the opportunity to learn something. Let’s analyze the situation and figure out where we went wrong. Let’s right our wrongs and apologize to those we didn’t do well by. Let’s mourn for those chances we missed and the roads we didn’t take.

But after we’re done with that, let’s put it all aside and move on. Let’s bundle up all of those mistakes and stash them into the vault of long term memory; we can’t, after all, pretend those things never happened.

But we can decide not let the mistakes of the past dictate the decisions we make in our future. We can’t let them define who we are as people, as individuals.

Because we’re all only human.

And while we’re at it, let’s forgive ourselves. Let those feelings of shame go. Let them leave your body in one big exhale. Don’t let the mistakes stick to your insides, don’t let the regret rot you. Exhale and release. Let go and start fresh.

Remember that you’ll most definitely make new mistakes. Because you’ll never truly be done with getting it wrong; no one will. Prepare yourself for those blips in your atmosphere. Be ready to let those things go once you’re done with them, once those mistakes have taught you the lessons you needed to be taught.

Learn and let go. Make right and then move on. Forgive and take a step forward.

Because you are so much more than your mistakes.

Published on Thought Catalog

"The worst war in the world is the one that goes on inside of our heads when we are not confident in ourselves."

"When we doubt who we are it causes us to go inside of our head to think, rethink, and then to overthink about all of the possible outcomes again. The worst war in the world is the one that goes on inside of our heads when we are not confident in ourselves. It’s a process but we have to love ourselves as we grow, we have to accept ourselves for the human that we are today."

I have followed Sylvester McNutt on Instagram for quite some time now. Several of his quotes and poetry really stick out to me. I knew he had a few books out but The Dear Queen Journey - A Path to Self Love is one that I have really wanted to read. Why? Well, because I am on this new path of Self Discovery and Self Love! 

Sylvester also has several other books about Success in life and also books about Love which I may eventually read but for now this is the one that I picked (or maybe it picked me) because it approaches what I am trying to succeed. 

I am in love with his quotes and his way of writing which is basically poetry. If you have Amazon prime with kindle, this little guy is on Unlimited Kindle for FREE. You're welcome! :) 

Another thing I have been doing and I receive one typically every day and that is how I start my day. Lately, as soon as I get out of bed I have a new morning inspirational video from YouTube on a channel that I subscribed to: Be Inspired - Daily Motivation  So, my routine is to start playing it as soon as I get up and while I get ready. Depending on the length I may have to continue it once I get to work so I just plug in my headphones. 

I still have my affirmations throughout my house, in my purse and at my desk. They have been up for about 3-4 wks so I think it's probably time to update and change them out. 

It may be a gloomy day but we needed the rain. See the beauty in everything! Be confident, be bold and don't forget to smile. 

Love, 

Jillian 

“You can’t avoid pain but you can choose to overcome it.”

Pain.
We all have it.

The pain reminds us that what happened was real and drives us to never let it happen again.

Much our lives are devoted to avoiding pain. Our brains have set up all sorts of defenses against pain and we say phrases like “I’ll never do that again” to gain some sort of control over it.

But despite the good intentions and protections we’ve put in place, pain is inevitable.

Pain has been my constant companion. We’ve been hanging out for many years now. Pain decided to move in with me. He followed me to work, to gatherings with my friends and family. Pain sat in my car, laid in my bed, got a membership and joined my gym.

Pain was everywhere and I couldn't seem to escape it. 

I learned to make peace with pain being part of my lifelong journey, but I’ve also decided that pain isn’t going to be the theme of my life. I want to have a plan for my pain.

I know that some traumatic events in life will never leave me and that I’ll think or talk about them for years to come. But rather than feeling the same gut-wrenching, panic-filled rage and shame with each recollection, I want to be able to reflect on my life knowing how painful times were but without reliving that feeling each time it comes to mind.

I think about it like breaking a bone. When you break something that was meant to be whole, it can be ridiculously painful. There are moments of agonizing, consuming hurt. The healing process is lengthy and hard. But when you heal and tell the story of how you broke that bone and how you recovered, you don’t actually physically feel that pain anymore.

You don’t feel that pain anymore because you recognized that something was wrong, felt the pain, decided you didn’t want the pain to stay and went through the process of healing or in my case, beginning the process.

When it comes to our emotional pain, some of us never go through these stages and we’re left feeling the pain from a wound possibly many years old which has been my case.

I thought I was doing well but what I realize now is that I was just burying it, ignoring it in hopes that it would just go away. So much that I didn't recognize the actual things that were causing me so much pain. I felt like a shell of a person. I was hanging out with pain each and every day and never realized it until I started therapy. 

I was trying so hard to get rid of the pain by actions that I didn’t allow myself to sit in it.

I thought that if I sat in the pain I wouldn’t survive it. I thought there was no way to mourn and make it out alive. I thought that if I allowed myself to really feel and embrace it, I would be stuck in the pain forever.

That, however, isn’t how it works.

Inviting the pain in is what saved me.

Letting the pain in is giving myself permission to fall apart, but it ISN’T saying that I want to stay that way. It is feeling the full weight of it all, all the anguish and heartache, and acknowledging how awful it was.

The point of feeling your feelings is to create room for healing to happen. This space is created from emotional release.

Instead of striving to get better, push the pain down, or attempt to numb it, I have been facing it head on.

I won't lie when I say that is is really, really messy.

I gave myself permission to express what was happening inside of me, no matter what it looked like.

It is me actively deciding not to hide from what is real to me.

And it left me with room in my brain to unpack how to become mended.

Feeling your feelings ISN’T the same as trying to torture yourself with your shortcomings or trauma. It is simply taking hold of a feeling when it comes, bringing awareness to it, and being kind to yourself about experiencing that emotion.

Pain isn’t pretty and it doesn’t require a pretty process. The important part is that you’re doing it. Living a healthy life on the inside is a great image but it is absolutely terrifying to do the work to get there. But it is one of the bravest, most rewarding practices you can do.

Through owning my pain and then going through the practical steps of healing (for me, I love therapy and intentional self-care), the broken bones of my soul don’t feel so painful.

I feel released. 

Edge of a cliff

Have you ever felt like you were on the edge of a cliff barely hanging on or that the next step you’ll surely fall to your death?  Sometimes in life when we get pushed to the end we have two choices: Fight like hell to stand our ground or just jump.  The scariest thing to do is to just let go and jump! But sometimes that is exactly what we need to do.  Often standing our ground where we are and fighting with everything we got even when things are not working is based on our ego.  The ego hates change the ego wants to be in control and we as human beings love the facade of being in control with everything in our lives.  Often the people that are the most ego driven believe they are in control of everything. (GUILTY)

We find comfort in the facade that everything is under their control.  The truth is in life we have very little control over anything. There are two things we have control over: Ourselves and our reaction to others that is it!!  No matter how much we believe differently the sooner we recognize this fact and accept it as part of our lives the better off we are moving forward.  So much disappointment in our lives comes from life seeming to just fall apart.  That feeling of true helplessness is because we created the illusion that we were in control of everything when truly we were not and it's terrifying. 

Taking that leap, letting go and believing that you can fly, is one of the hardest things we can do in our life but not doing it can lead to much more pain and disappointment than if you actually jumped.  Sure there is no guarantee that things will work out.  But by letting go you give yourself a chance, stop fighting the world and then questioning why things continue to be difficult or that bad things continue to happen.  Remember God/universe gives back to us what we put out there.  If all we are putting out there is fighting, pain and disappointment, God/universe will give us more the same.

I am not typically one to ask for help because of my ego/ pride. I want to tell myself that I have everything under control but a month ago I was really scared... Scared is not a word I use loosely but I was scared out of my mind. I decided then that things in my life and the way I was going about holding onto pain, resentment, sadness, and much more needed to change. I decided to was time to fly. I jumped into counseling and haven't stopped since. Each time I go I learn something new about myself. I've started living in the moment and not in the past. I've forgiven myself and also forgiven others because I now know that not letting go of the past is only harming myself and not allowing myself the peace I deserve. 

I used to believe that I wasn't worthy of love and pure happiness from others who were willing to give me that gift but most of all I didn't believe I deserved to give that gift to myself but you know what? I do. It's been there all along, tucked away in a dark cloud deep down. I've been on this journey for 5 weeks now and I am feeling lighter, beautiful, stronger, and loving myself more each day. The journey isn't ending here, it will be a life long journey of learning, forgiving, letting go, giving myself fully to those that I love and not holding back out of fear. 5 weeks, it's been tough and a hard pill to swallow but a beautiful awakening which I am so incredibly thankful for. I don't believe I have ever told myself that I am proud of myself. Life has thrown me some major curve balls but here I stand. So, I am pretty proud of myself and that alone makes me smile.  

Take a chance, let go and learn to fly!

Gratitude

Over the weekend I took a little bit of time to take in some much needed nature. I went hiking at Shades State Park. When I say hiking I am not talking about some paved pathway, I mean rugged hiking through the valleys through a creek bed. My legs are certainly feeling it.

I made sure to put my phone in airplane mode and I had no reception which didn't allow for any distractions. Pictures just don't do this place justice but I also tried not grabbing my phone every 2 minutes out of my backpack and was afraid to carry it in case I tripped from trying to take it all in.

Being Present

I took in all of the sights and sounds that nature was offering. I wasn't thinking about looking at my phone, I wasn't thinking about later, and I wasn't even worried about the time. I was present in the moment or hours I was out there. My worries and stress weren't present, just concentrating on my breathing and trying not to trip.

Gratitude

It's amazing what you can do when you are present in the moment and taking the time to soak it all in. For me, gratitude comes to mind. You are able to enjoy the life and beauty around you. Gratitude has been something that has been difficult for me. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for many things but what I have failed to do and most certainly working harder on as of lately is being mindful of all the things I am grateful for instead of worrying about all of the stress of the past that can't be changed and the future that has yet to arrive.

Thinking about the hike still brings a smile to my face. I'm thankful that I made myself go and proud of myself for taking it all in. I can't go back and change all of the other times in my life that I should have done the same thing because I can't go back, but what I can do is change the way I absorb things to come.

I made peace with some more things from my life recently which is why I needed this day to fully reflect. As I have mentioned in the beginning, it hasn't always been pretty. To know that I had to make peace with pain that I was holding on to, owning it, I let it surround me, stopped resisting it. Accepting it, being grateful for it and letting go of it. Until we learn to have a different relationship with pain, it will continue and continue and continue to weigh us down which is what it has done to me and I am loving the lighter feeling no matter how ugly it can be when you bring it to light.

To be present, to be grateful. Open your eyes!

Reclaiming Life after abuse

I’m a survivor of child sexual abuse.

But even after decades I still can’t say that completely without shame. That’s the nature of this kind of abuse. Logic tells us we were children. We had no choice.

But the wounds go deep and are so hidden that for me, and many like me, that feeling of shame becomes as much a part of who we are as our eye color. We just learn to live with it somehow.

We survive. But once innocence is lost, it can never return.

I believe many survivors of childhood abuse are drawn to spiritual traditions. Those of us who manage to fight the low self-esteem and the numbing lure of drugs and alcohol still need to make sense of what happened.

How do we explain the levels of cruelty and selfishness humans are capable of inflicting on the most vulnerable members of society? How do we become better and more whole humans through and in spite of it?

We know we need to forgive in order to move on and heal, and that’s something most of us can’t do without help. Even with a solid spiritual foundation, forgiveness can take a lifetime for something like this.

When the abuse ended, and I was able to grow up trying to live a relatively normal life the best I could. Except nothing is ever really normal again once you’ve been ripped of your pureness.

The silence around my abuse was nearly as damaging as the assaults themselves. As a young child I didn’t know how to talk about it. When I was 15 is when I finally broke my silence.

Are you a survivor of child sexual abuse? If you’re not, chances are you know someone who is.

Some statistics say one in four women and one in seven men have been molested, raped or abused before they are 18. That’s a staggering number.

And most survivors keep it quietly to themselves. We want to believe society won’t blame us, but experience tells us otherwise.

But healing is possible, and while no one would ever wish abuse on any child, I hope I can turn my pain into a powerful tool of transformation. 

When experts say the scars of child abuse last a lifetime, they mean it. In my teens, when I first began to deal with my abuse, I talked to counselors about it but by then with the response of those I told already had laid a foundation within me.  

Today, I see it as yes, it did happen and there is no going back to change the events. It does play a part in my life and who I am today. I often wonder what I would say to those who did that to me given the chance to open up about it. Would they deny it? Would they admit to it? I sometimes think that if they did admit to it and allowing me to express to them what it has done to me mentally and emotionally would it make me feel better or make me angrier? What if they apologized, would I feel satisfied? I suppose I may never truly know. 

Tuesday Motivation

Good morning! I hope your week is going well. It's another beautiful day, let's not waste it!

After my recent meeting with my "coach" last week we discussed some things that really hit home. Since then I have put up handwritten and printed affirmations ALL over my house, in my car, in my purse, on my computer screen, on my lock screen on my phone, they are EVERYWHERE. I am sure if anyone comes over they are probably thinking what the hell is all of this?

Truth is, in the past I used to write little notes and hide them in hidden places for someone I was with, I would write little notes and tape them to public bathroom mirrors or places where complete strangers would find and doing that made me feel good to know that hopefully I made an impact on someone's day. You never know what someone is going through, they could be struggling in their own life and to know that I could possibly change that, made me feel good. I didn't expect anything in return. I originally got the idea several years ago when I came across a site and the project is called, Operation Beautiful. (Here is the link: Operation Beautiful and the Facebook page is here: https://www.facebook.com/OfficialOperationBeautiful/ )

Then it dawned on me at the end of my appointment, "what if I did that for MYSELF?" Sure, it's not quite the same but to randomly see a post-it first thing in the morning that says, "You are loved" or "Do all things with kindness, including yourself." or "I am in the process of becoming the best version of myself" and so on, actually puts a smile on my face and is a simple reminder. Sure, I can complain about getting up at 5 AM every day but to see those notes helps me. When I start to memorize each one, I will take those down and write more to replace. I may not have someone leaving me random little notes and that's okay but I am being the person that changes the way I feel about myself .

Check out this short motivational video that I found. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have. If you have some videos that you enjoy and want to share then leave the link below in a comment.

MAKE TODAY COUNT! DO SOMETHING NEW. DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT THAN YOU DID YESTERDAY.

Don't forget to love yourself. 

Love, 

Jillian 

Breakthrough #1

First I am just going to say that I apologize for any profanity and incorrect grammar in this post. I am just letting the words flow and type as I go.

Holy shit! Now, I can honestly say that I would have NEVER thought a "breakthrough" would have happened this quickly with started on a new therapist. But I knew I was going in with an open-mind and heart and ready to figure shit out. So, I started seeing this therapist just last week, I knew I liked her right away. In therapy I have been used to therapist just sitting and nodding and asking questions but never really felt there was a solution, in fact most of the time I would leave therapy in the past I wouldn't feel better but sometimes even worse because what was discussed just hovered over me. Last night I also started seeing the other therapist but I am going to call him more of a "coach" because of his approach and honestly I can't wait to work with him more.

So, let me explain tonight...

The first part we were discussing goals that I would like to achieve and it went a little something like this... Umm, I want to fix my fucking life! That's a goal, right? Well, according to her she needed a more simpler and realistic approach. "Okay, well then I guess it goes like this, in no particular order:"

1. Self-Love
2. Forgiveness for others that have hurt me and for myself
3. Trust
4. Dealing with my fathers passing because I don't believe I have been able to fully grieve
5. Anxiety which comes from all of the thoughts and emotions

I explained that I wanted a goal of 8-12 wks to uncover some of the underlining issues that cause me to doubt myself and others which provoke me to either lash out in anger or seclude myself in sadness. For her that was do-able to set a goal on that.

So fast forward to the last 30 mins where we started discussing my dads passing. As I am sharing with her how I have felt that I have not been able to fully grieve his passing because of ALL of the things that came one right after another after another after another... I shared with her how I secretly gave myself a Christmas present on 2016 and that was to finally close the estate and all of the shit that came along with it for 2 YEARS. I suppose in my heart and mind I would have thought the grief would have come to an end once it was all settled but in reality it didn't. It sat bottled up in sadness, guilt and anger. I never shared it with anyone besides the fact that during certain times I was sad but because I never realized it EVEN existed!!!! UNTIL TONIGHT!

After I "thought" I was finished talking about it, she says to me (but at the same time I already sense the emotions I didn't realize I was feeling until I finally spoke and thought I was done), "Jill, after hearing you talk I not only hear your sadness but I also sense some... anger." As I am holding back the tears I nod my head in agreement. Then her next question is, "can you tell me some of the things that make you angry about all of this?"

I explain to her that I was pissed that I allowed myself to be put in a position to be POA for my father and heir of the estate. Now, unless you have been there as I hadn't been before you wouldn't know the challenges, struggles and stress that this can bring on to someone. Let alone someone who just lost their father unexpectedly!

Breaking it down:

1. Dad goes in for a surgery after finding 2 spots on his lungs that the biopsy couldn't get to (post remission for cancer 2 years prior)
2. After being a full time caretaker for my dad after his previous treatment, along with being a single mom and trying to work while taking care of my dad and daughter at the same time while holding down a job, I tried to be the tough guy by pushing this procedure aside as not that big of a deal.
3. My dad told me prior after talking to the Dr. that if the spots were cancerous that he would have to do radiation (which nearly killed my dad before). My dad explained to me that he didn't think he could do radiation again, me trying to be the strong one told him we didn't need to worry about it right now and would worry about it later.
4. Day of surgery they plan to do a biopsy of the spots on my dads lungs during the surgery and IF they are cancerous they would remove the upper lobe of my dads lung. Well, they were cancerous. So, they removed the upper lobe. Nurse comes back and said surgery was over and he would be in recovery and we could see him in about an hour.
5. Hour and a half later, nurse comes back and said some issues occurred and he had to be rushed back into surgery and they were working on him then. 30 mins later the nurse comes back in saying they were still working on him and the Dr. should hopefully be out to talk to us shortly but my dad had crashed while going into recovery and basically went without H2O for nearly 30 mins. Nearly 3 hrs later the Dr. comes out to tell us that he had no idea what happened and why, they opened him again to see if the lung they worked on had collapsed and when seeing that it hadn't, opened the other side. They then tried to revive him for nearly 45 mins then putting him on 2 life support machines. One to help him breathe and another to pump H2O through his blood to his heart. They had no idea on the damage if any he may have after going that long without H20. About 45mins later we were able to see him for short visits every 2-3 hours which lead to a long night overnight stay and a full entire next day.
6. Every so often they would let him come to with the seditaitve and the nurse had told me that when he came to he was mouthing something (my dad could no longer talk because he had his voicebox removed during his 1st surgery and feared laying down flat because he said he couldn't breathe) I had learned to read lips after all of that with my dad and knew his fear and asked the nurse if next time they did that if I could be there to hopefully explain to my dad that there was a machine breathing for him and he was okay. Well, the nurse schedule was messed up and I missed my chance to do that.
6. The 2nd day I was so tired that my brother and I decided it would be best to go home and rest and come back the next day. I went to my boyfriends house that night since it was close to the hospital where he put it in a perfect prospective for me, knowing the weight that laid on my shoulders and knowing my dad said, "Do you think that if those spots weren't cancerous that your dad would be in recovery and okay right now and that maybe knowing that they were cancerous this was his was of saying he couldn't do it anymore?" He was right. Now, you have to know my dad. This does make me laugh because it is SO my dad to say, "HAHA fooled you fuckers, I am out!" Then and there is when I made the decision that the next day I would have to make the most difficult decision I hoped I would ever have to make in my life.
7. 5:30am I get a call from the nurse telling my that I needed to come to the hospital, my dad had taken a turn and they had reached their max on the meds to give him and they also called the Dr. All I could think while I am getting dressed and brushing me teeth while on the phone was "don't you do this to me now dad, not while I am not there!" Later on I like to think that he was trying to go again on his own free will. When I get there and everything is explained to me, I told the nurse I wanted to talk to the Dr. and that the fight was over, I couldn't let my dad continue like this because I knew that was his choice and his living Will. I called all of the family and that very morning after signing 2 forms with black ink with my signature we took my dad off of life support and he passed away.

After I stayed with him until he was no longer with us, I kissed his hand and forehand and said my last goodbye. That same day I arranged to go to the funeral home and make arrangements but before that my boyfriend and I stopped by my dads house to find the life insurance policy we needed. This is when something utterly gut wrenching happened. This moment brought tears to the both of us, made me realize that my dad already knew something that I was trying shrug off like no big deal but that he knew he wouldn't be around. Behind his locked office door that I had a key to is where we walked in to his desk where he had everything laid out with post-it notes; "Jill, this is my life insurance policy, Jill, theses are the bills I have paid, Jill, if you have questions on XYZ talk to ABC, etc."

It wasn't until family and friends came and I talked too prior and during his funeral that several told me that he expressed how concerned he was about this surgery. The surgery that I shrugged off as if it was no big deal, we will make it through. In my mind nothing could have been worse than the 1st. We had this or so I thought.

Which leads me to my breakthrough:

"Jill, when I hear you talk about this I can't help but to hear some anger, can you tell me what you might be angry about?"

Well, I am angry that the nurses screwed up their scheduling and prevented me from being able to physically see my dad while awake and to see if he really was mentally there and for me to be able to hold his hand and tell him that he was OKAY and that a machine was helping him breath and he didn't need to be scared to be laying flat. I WANTED to see for myself if my DAD was really there and to be able to tell him he was okay but because of the mix up with nurses that didn't get to happen, which prevented me from seeing and being there to comfort him.
I'm not angry with my dad for making me POA or heir of his estate because he didn't know what I would have to go through. He wouldn't know the struggle of everything from 2 mortgages, dealing with a custody battle with my daughter, needing to sell things that meant the world to him and getting FUCKED over on them just to be able to afford attorney bills and other bills and trying to deal with the estate on a not so great credit. Nobody would think those things. What I am angry about is that ALL of that shit happened during the time I should have been grieving my fathers death. I'm angry that I would take it all back to have him back and have nothing he left to me, I'm angry that I didn't understand the responsibility and everything that came along with being the heir. Looking back, I wish I hadn't been.
I was angry that I shrugged it all off like no big deal to later listen to people tell me that he told them that he was worried about this surgery. I was angry at myself for not taking it more seriously and spending more time with him before his surgery date. I was upset with myself that knowing all he did and put together before his surgery let me know he knew something I didn't but I felt horrible not knowing how he was feeling and he was feeling alone and that I wasn't there for him and wondered how scared he really was. How I hated late hearing from his friends and relatives of how he voiced his concern for it all and I am brushing it off as if it was okay, we made it before we will surely make it this time.
I was angry and pissed with everything that happened after my dad passed until I was finally able to sell somethings and ask for some families help that I closed the estate. Then, I realize that I'm still not "fixed" after the estate was closed when I tried to convince myself that it was over when it really never began.

Keep in mind this whole time I am talking in 20 mins reliving and finally letting it ALL out didn't take me as long to explain as it did to type. (Had to be there, I guess). When I am finally finished telling her all the reasons I was pissed off and bitter, I am one fucking hot mess of snot and tears. Finally I stopped talking and she grabbed my knees and said "what are you feeling right now?" Then more waterworks and snot before I was finally able to say, "I don't believe I have ever been able to tell anyone how all of this made me feel and if I had, I think I held back." Then more tears and snot then she says to me which is something I mentioned during all of the things I was pissed off about, "Many of us are scared of death and for those of use who are, I don't think we would think to be so thoughtful to help with everything your dad did, especially if he wasn't really an organized man (which he wasn't) but those who are accepting it, I can see them doing what your dad did by laying out all of the post-it notes."

Insert where something ugly but magical happens.... I fucking sob for however long! Longer than I have remembered crying in I don't know how long. She tells me, "to just feel it and to let it out." I know I mentioned to try to lighten the mood that I know I am an ugly crier and she tells me, "you are doing something beautiful right now and ugly is not a word to be used in this moment." Which led to about 5 more minutes of tears until I finally calmed down. THEN someone knocks on her door, she goes and looks and wouldn't you know it was the most beautiful little 7 year old blonde I have ever seen. My daughter, my therapist told her we would be just a couple more minutes and then she would take us on a tour of her horse stables and my daughter agreed but not before noticing me and my red eyes that I was trying to conceal from her. Then my therapist sits back down and she says, "think that might have been a sign from your dad telling you it's time to finally let go of all of that pain?"

Damn, I am sorry for the long post tonight but I came home tonight feeling lighter and accomplished of something along this journey that I could not wait to share!

Note to self: Breakthroughs are fucking AMAZING!!! Going to a therapist isn't for the weak, it's for those who are strong enough to realize they have issues to battle and are willing to see and know it.

Jillian

Stepping up

Brand New Day by Skilyr Hicks

There is nothing that requires more courage than an intimate relationship. This is the space where my deepest fears and insecurities rise to the surface, making it even more difficult to give myself completely to another. Because to be truly vulnerable with another, I have to open up. That can be absolutely terrifying! So, rather than diving right in and swimming in the deep end, most live their lives on the surface.

But the truth is, where your relationship is stems directly from where you are. It’s easy to be distracted and to blame our partners or external events. But if you want to create real, lasting change in your relationship and achieve a level of intimacy and passion and connection that you’ve always dreamed about – then you have to look within. It starts with yourself, and it starts by stepping into your pain.

Stepping into my pain means facing my fears head on, which to be honest I have never been great at. It means immersing myself in them, rather than avoiding or even denying them altogether, which most tend to do. Yes, it's intimidating, and surely I could think of a thousand things I'd rather do. But by making this decision to step into my pain, I am also making the decision to liberate myself and even to create a new life.

It takes real courage to face your innermost challenges and to be absolutely vulnerable with yourself or anyone at that. But I know when I take the leap, I will be able to grow in ways that I never have before. And, ultimately, I will learn how to connect with myself and loved ones on an even deeper and more meaningful level.

TOTAL COMMITMENT TO THE TRUTH

The first step is to make a total commitment to the truth. I have to be willing to be open-minded and open-hearted. Because this is the only path towards opening up a new sense of awareness.

I ask myself – what are you scared of? Where is your pain and your resistance coming from?

The truth isn’t always easy – it’s not easy to handle and it’s not always easy to find because a lot of us hide it from ourselves. But it’s in that moment of recognizing “I am scared” and then making the decision to follow that fear — that is how real change is made.

Most people are too scared to follow their fears and again I have been one of those. It’s easier to pull back than to dive in. But by taking the first step to acknowledge my fears, my insecurities and my pain – I am creating a new sense of awareness and honesty. And now I will be in a better position to see it and take a more objective perspective.

TWO BIGGEST FEARS

Now that I have committed myself to the truth, I must understand that there are two deep-seated fears that every single human shares. First, there is the fear that you are not enough. Second, there is the fear that you will not be loved. No matter how confident you are, no matter if you are the President of the United States, or the greatest athlete in the world, every single person has these two fears.

How do these two fears manifest in my life? What challenges have they presented for me in my relationships? What are the times I feel alone? What am I scared of? 

Understanding these fundamental fears can help me become more aware of where my pain and insecurities stem from. And I will be better able to see just why I am holding back. Often times, we try to preserve an identity or cling so desperately to rules that we have constructed. We do that because we are scared of life outside those boundaries. I want to take the time to analyze and assess, and become really curious about why I construct these walls.

COURAGE

It’s easy to cling to what we know already. After all, certainty is a fundamental human need. It takes courage to detach and step into your fear. Now, courage doesn’t mean you’re not scared. It actually means you are terrified, but I am going to do it anyway. Remembering, it’s not courage if it’s not hard. 

By using that courage to detach from the familiar and delve into the unknown, I hope to start to wake up. I am going to see the other side of the coin, where I will be so much more. I am going to discover the real me and see how I've been selling myself short all this time. I am going to see how I've been creating the relationships I have been in. And I am going to see how it is entirely within my power to create an extraordinary, magnificent relationship not only with myself but others.

So I am harnessing this courage, make this decision and take the leap. I will learn what it really is to be vulnerable. And I hope I will see what it is to truly experience intimacy with a partner. To stop the doubt and insecurities in their tracks.To be free and liberated. To be myself. And at the end of the day, isn’t that we all yearn for?

Jillian

Maybe the best present is to BE Present

Good morning!

Last night after quieting my mind and reading some of a new book called You Are A Badass: How to stop doubting your Greatness & start living an Awesome Life , I tried for the first time to meditate.

Who is familiar with this or does this? (Leave me a comment on what it was like when you began and any tips and tricks you have, I would love to hear)

I've done my research on it and understand that for beginners it can be a little challenging at first. My mind is always going, thinking, wondering, etc. So, I set a timer for 5 mins (so I wouldn't constantly be checking the time), sat in silence with my back against the wall, legs crossed and arms resting on my legs and hands cupped in my lap and started concentrating on my breathing. First thing I noticed, was that I had to keep reminding myself to relax my jaw. One of the suggestions was to close my eyes and envision a light shining over me and coming through me and out, making a complete circle of light. Many random thoughts came to me and each time one started; "thoughts of my mishap that happened 2 weeks ago, I would exhale and once I inhaled I repeated "forgive yourself" and kept inhaling those words until the thought left then went back to concentrating on my breathing. Then the thought of "wanting to really know what is going on deep down inside of me" so I exhaled that and every time I would inhale I would repeat "Be patient, I love myself."

Now, I don't really believe that is exactly how meditation is supposed to go but I know it takes practice but I CAN say this... When the alarm finally went off and I opened my eyes, I felt slightly foggy, relaxed and at peace. I smiled.

After that I laid down in bed and went to sleep but then woke up around 11:30 wide awake so I turned on Netflix and started watching a random movie that I picked out because I really wasn't planning on watching it but it was called To The Bone. I fell back asleep within 15-20 mins and then woke back up to the video I linked above. I watched and I cried because after watching the video and then a little more of the movie I realized the movie was about a young woman dealing with anorexia and she meets this Dr. where she joins the group of others battling their own demons. Her journey is to discover how to confront her disorder and learn self-acceptance.

Coincidence? I don't thing so. I don't suffer from anorexia but I do have other things that I need to confront and also learn self-acceptance so, I am planning on watching the full movie but I AM THANKFUL that I had a chance to see the beautiful part of "Because We Are Alive."

I am alive. I am thankful for another day. I came to work this morning and I was able to witness this beautiful site. So for today, I will keep repeating "I am thankful for today, forgive yourself, Be patient, I love myself."

Have a beautiful day and don't forget to subscribe to follow along.



I do not hold the rights to this video or song. If you would like to hear the song entirely you can listen to it here.  Jack Garratt - Water on Spotify