Dating Blows

Can I get an AMEN?

It wasn't until a couple of weeks ago I decided to try some dating apps (I've been on there before to see what it was all about prior to this). Now, I knew that I wasn't ready for a serious relationship but I also knew I wasn't looking for a "hook up." So, I let that be known and put those words on my dating profile thinking at the time that it was better to be up front and honest and also a short resume of myself.. umm I mean bio. There I was swiping left on any guy who had his shirt off in pictures, left on guys who had no bio, left on any profile that had all a group of guys and not knowing which one the profile was about, left on any guy who had pictures with him and a group of women, maybe finding a right until I had 5 mutual likes then turning my profile off of public to avoid any distractions to continue the easiness of swiping to only judge these guys on their 300 characters and handful of pictures. I was trying to be fair.

There I am trying to establish a conversation to only lead to couple of things. For most we exchanged a "how are you today and reply" to only go absolutely silent. I did manage to give one guy my number after 2 days of going back and forth to a couple of days later having what was at the time a horrific WTF nightmare while having a FaceTime chat that was quite comical to tell my friends about after I blocked him on the dating app and Snapchat.

I will be honest, I wasn't putting too much effort in it. After the nightmare I deleted the dating apps. After knowing I put it out there that I wasn't looking for a serious relationship nor a hook up, I can see where that could give a guy the wrong impression of what I was trying to seek, hell I didn't even know what that meant. I guess like so many coming out of a long term relationship I was looking to fill a void.

Which brings me to this...

In today's world it has become for so many of us easier to communicate and share our lives through the comfort of a screen. Social media sites are built now days to be secretive and hide things, giving instant gratification for seekers and receivers, ruining relationships one by one, making it easier to just erase the moments shared with the click of the delete, unfriend, and unfollow button or "ghosting," apps to make yourself appear or to stand out from the crowd to hopefully have a match to only turn around and not even talk to that person but to keep searching for better options and so on and so on. It's easy to not put forth the effort in someone you have never met before and who doesn't truly know you. It's also becoming easier for people to always be seeking for greener grass on the other side rather then watering what they do have. Then there are those of us filling a void.

I come from where any serious relationship I have ever had came from knowing them in school or meeting through mutual friends so, this whole new world of dating is completely foreign and down right scary to me. I come from what seems like a vanishing thing where going on a real date with someone and seeing if there is some kind of connection has turned into "wanna Netflix and chill?" Instead of talking on the phone for hours getting to know each other it has turned into a text or message, quick follow on this site or that site with a "like" here and there. I come from a place where being intimate with a person meant you cared for that person and anticipated more things to come with them to now it is a one night stand or a "hook up" here and there and a possible FWB (Friends with benefits) to having NSA (no strings attached.)

I come from a world where Love was the purest and most wonderful thing to give and receive. Don't get me wrong sex is great (with the right person) but has Sex really replaced this? Meeting someone I was really interested in left me looking forward to see him again, excited to get a message from him during the day which made me smile, wanting to build and grow as friends and lovers. I see women starving for attention and will take it in any form even if that means hooking up with a guy she just met on a dating site the day before. I see both men and women being open for FWB and/ or one night stands with complete strangers. I see men and I have personally encountered with the nightmare how men disrespect women, only to cat-call, make comments on their ass and tits, overstepping boundaries to test the waters and see how far they can get.

Where have morals and respect gone for others and ourselves? Have we stopped treating people like humans? What if that was your daughter or son, then how would you feel? Are we all just fresh meat now? Where has the mystery of truly getting to know someone gone? Has Sex really replaced Love? For those only looking for hook ups and FWB's, do they ask each other for a copy of their most recent STD test? Do people even get tested anymore?! Are we left where people would rather fall asleep next to their phone instead of a loving partner? What happened to the "wooing" part?

People have become disposable, and as a result, everyone's always looking for the next bigger, better thing in an over-saturated market.

If that is the case then I am not sure I will ever be ready for the new world of dating.

So, the conclusion for me; What does "not wanting a serious relationship or hook-up" really mean? Well, it means I am certainly not ready, not wanting to look or put myself out there and I am OK with that. 

You are more than your mistakes

We’ve all done things we aren’t proud of. Made decisions that we’ve immediately wished we could take back. Uttered words out loud that have instantly twisted our gut with a pang of discomfort and regret. We’ve all done things without thinking, or while only thinking of ourselves and no one else. We’ve all done things because they’ve felt good in the moment, ignoring what we know will be an unfortunate outcome.

Bottom line, we’ve all made mistakes. Sometimes we even repeat them. Sometimes not just once, but over and over again. And when that happens, it’s not difficult to start beating yourself up. To look at the wreckage that surrounds you, the one that you yourself have conjured up, and hate yourself for what you’ve caused.

It’s all too easy to go back in time, to pluck out those instances from your memory, and count them one by one. To revisit and replay them until they’re stuck in the forefront in your mind, instead of in the past where they belong.

No one likes to screw up. We all want to make the right decision, one hundred percent of the time.

But the truth is that what we actually need to be doing is forgiving ourselves for the mistakes we’ve made, not punishing ourselves for them.

What we need to really being doing is examining those instances, and ultimately learning from them. When we pull those mistakes from the storage of our memories, we can’t just chastise ourselves for the stupid things that we’ve done. We can’t simply look at ourselves in anger.

The world that we live in preaches perfection; we’re all under the impression that the only option we have is to succeed, that we need to do everything right the first time we attempt it. And our culture isn’t one that encourages trial and error, but rather one that pushes perfectionism with the only alternate being total failure.

But I don’t need to tell you that this isn’t the way the world actually works.

No one gets everything right the first time. There’s never been a person who’s lived on this earth who has gotten everything completely correct. Even those who seems to have it all figured out have made awful mistakes, ones that they probably thought would change the trajectory of their lives for the worst.

And behind every successful person is a path at least partly cemented with regret for what could have been, but ultimately never came to be because of a mistake that was made.

So instead of beating ourselves up over every stupid thing we’ve ever done, over every relationship we’ve sabotaged, every person we’ve hurt and every opportunity we gave up for something that didn’t pan out as well as we thought, let’s take the opportunity to learn something. Let’s analyze the situation and figure out where we went wrong. Let’s right our wrongs and apologize to those we didn’t do well by. Let’s mourn for those chances we missed and the roads we didn’t take.

But after we’re done with that, let’s put it all aside and move on. Let’s bundle up all of those mistakes and stash them into the vault of long term memory; we can’t, after all, pretend those things never happened.

But we can decide not let the mistakes of the past dictate the decisions we make in our future. We can’t let them define who we are as people, as individuals.

Because we’re all only human.

And while we’re at it, let’s forgive ourselves. Let those feelings of shame go. Let them leave your body in one big exhale. Don’t let the mistakes stick to your insides, don’t let the regret rot you. Exhale and release. Let go and start fresh.

Remember that you’ll most definitely make new mistakes. Because you’ll never truly be done with getting it wrong; no one will. Prepare yourself for those blips in your atmosphere. Be ready to let those things go once you’re done with them, once those mistakes have taught you the lessons you needed to be taught.

Learn and let go. Make right and then move on. Forgive and take a step forward.

Because you are so much more than your mistakes.

Published on Thought Catalog

“The ego is the false self-born out of fear and defensiveness.” ~John O’Donohue

The last few years have been life changing in not always the best possible ways but in the last 8 weeks I’ve learned so much about myself, things I didn’t have the courage to acknowledge before.

It hasn’t all been a bed of roses—some of the insights I’ve gleaned haven’t been that comfortable to see.

One of the things I have recently been reflecting on is the Ego and how it plays a role within my life. I have recently realized that when disagreements or arguments erupt in my personal relationships, it is often over the smallest things, which seem so important at the time. A prime example is something such as someone asking me to do something without saying, “please” or a text that I may take completely out of context.

Such a minor failing has the power to seriously irritate me, causing an argument to blow up out of all proportion—sending one or either of us into fits of temper tantrums that can end with one or both of us brooding and not speaking to the other.

Although we’re both possibly aware how childishly we’re behaving and can see our over-reactions, we are nevertheless at a loss to stop or change this process. Why? Because of our egos!

For the first time in my life I am seeing, experiencing, and understanding the ego play that takes place in every conflict I have. These insights are allowing me to unravel the true nature of my ego and its workings.

If I were to describe my ego, I would compare it to an irritable, barely containable caged monster on the one hand and an irate, screaming five-year-old on the other. And just like a child that doesn’t get her own way, she’s constantly throwing tantrums.

These tantrums take the form of anger, hurt, fear, defensiveness, exaggeration, frustration, self-preservation, insecurity, self-pity, and tears—all mixed with large quantities of drama.

In the heat of an argument, my five-year-old ego is very quick to feel hurt, so she reacts by jumping, stomping her feet, cursing, and defending herself. Then, just as quickly, the caged monster surfaces, rearing up like an angry giant, sword and shield in hand, ready to inflict hurt in return.

I literally see my ego self-rising up like a dark shadowy character, looming menacingly above my head.

Of course I know this ego play doesn’t solve anything—it only serves to trigger the other’s own ego defense games. Suddenly we’re both wounded five-year-olds, shouting and throwing ugly insults back and forth at each other.

Then, invariably, we have to argue about who started it and which one of us is right.

As you can imagine, these ego battles take up a lot of energy and are very stressful, not to mention emotionally draining.

I notice that when I’m in this heightened state of drama, my ability for logical thinking goes out of the window. I lose all connection to my grown-up self and I feel the adult receding, regressing me back to an insecure child.

I see myself adopting the same body language and survival strategies I used when I got into disputes during childhood.

Looking back, it’s obvious to me that my current over-reactions have a lot to do with how I was brought up or the relationships I have been in.

As a child/ teen, I didn’t have the awareness to recognize the surge of my ego during these altercations with my parents or relationships, when my very existence felt under threat. But of course, every part of me screamed silently in protest, including my ego.

Now, as a so-called mature adult, it’s quite disconcerting to visibly witness my conditioned responses popping to the surface during heated conflicts, especially when some part of me feels threatened.

These responses haven’t altered or evolved at all since my childhood. Sometimes it feels like I’ve never really grown up.

I still discover myself seething in the same helpless way to emotional triggers and feeling the same powerlessness when my will is challenged or when I feel controlled, as I often do during conflicts.

My ego rears up in anger and defense in exactly the way it did when I was a child/teen.

And yet, even in the most extreme spells of ego drama, I have found it difficult to be able to take a step back from my hurt, stealing a momentary pause from the heat of my frustration.

Doing these short breaks would allow my anger to calm, giving space for my ego to stand down. Then being able to recognize the reasons for my exaggerated reactions, understanding that a part of me was feeling threatened.

I’ve observed that my biggest over-reactions occur when a partner threatens what I deem important.

It’s utterly clear to me that my ego simply functions to protect the parts of myself I feel I must defend, secure, or guard, like my will, my way of expression, my beliefs and moral values.

My ego jumps up in defense of these values because of the importance I’ve given them, effectively giving my ego permission to react whenever these values feel challenged.

Amazingly, the truth is, these morals can only exert power over me if I allow them to. I can equally decide not to give them any power at all, which should gradually stop my ego’s need to defend them.

I know it will take time to break this pattern of over-reactions to emotional triggers, since my conditioned responses are almost automatic now. However, in conflict situations, if in one time out of ten I don’t react, it will certainly make a difference to my life and relationships, won’t it?

What a liberation that will be!

For years I’ve unknowingly been trapped in the same ego cycle of trigger/reaction, trigger/reaction that developed when I was a child/ teen.

Now, with the benefit of being able to witness my ego play in action, I no longer feel a prisoner of its games. For the first time in life, I am learning to choose whether or not to react.

These other insights around my ego will hopefully improve my relationships, as well as the relationships with family and friends.

The ego wants to blame others.

We have all become so accustomed to blaming other people and circumstances that we are often not even conscious that we’re doing it.

On the surface, it’s much easier to blame others, because it removes the burden of accountability from us and places it firmly at the feet of the other. However, although blaming others appears to be a quick-fix solution, in all honesty, it isn’t.

Believe it or not, blaming others takes away our control of the situation and passes it onto the other. It prevents us from seeing the whole truth of the issue and blocks us from fully understanding ourselves, which can keep us stuck in the same obstructive patterns of behavior.

For years I blamed people for everything that was wrong in my life. I blamed them for not being there for me, for not supporting me and for not being who I expected them to be. Spending so much time and energy blaming them, I wasn’t able to see my own part in the situation.

When I finally had the courage to stop blaming others, it came as quite a shock to me to realize that I was equally responsible for the things I was unhappy with.

It’s clear to me that my ego’s fear of admitting culpability kept me in blame mode.

I naturally progressed onto blaming my partner, because my ego makes it difficult for me to accept my part in a conflict that I am at least partly responsible for. So it’s no surprise our arguments escalated as they did.

Ultimately, we must all strive to accept responsibility for every action we take, even the ones we’re ashamed of. The more we’re able to do this, the stronger we become and the weaker our egos will be, gradually loosening the grip they have on us.

The ego covers up.

Another thing I can say about the ego is that it will do anything to cover up its mistakes, especially when it sees it’s wrong. Its attempts to cover up increase when caught red-handed, behaving just like a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

Maybe my actions as a child could be excused, but sadly, my behavior as an adult hasn’t improved—I still find myself fighting to deny the truth when I’m unexpectedly caught off guard.

My ego hates being so easily called out, so it must cover up and defend.

One of the hardest things for any of us to do is to admit we are wrong, because when we own up to being wrong, it automatically makes the other right.

And being wrong is something our egos cannot bear. As a result, we find it difficult to say sorry or to ask forgiveness, which exacerbates our conflicts.

I’m also recognizing that our inability to admit our wrongdoing keeps us stuck in our defensive positions, which allows our egos to fool us into fighting, justifying, and defending every point of view—a complete drain of our energy.

I’ve noticed, however, that when I see the truth and can openly admit it, surprisingly, rather than separating, the admission can bring us closer together, healing some of the hurt we created during our conflict.

So admitting that we are wrong need not be a negative experience, but can instead empower us, lessening some of the control our egos have on us

The ego wants to hurt back.

For me, one of the worst things in the world is the pain of feeling hurt, as I imagine is true for most of us.

Sometimes, the hurt we feel paralyzes us and we’re unable to fight back, but at other times, the only thing we can think of is how we can hurt the other person back.

Our egos trick us into believing that hurting the other will alleviate the pain we’re feeling.

I’ve realized that in all conflict situations, it is actually our egos that feel hurt. Again because some value or aspect of the image we have internally built up of ourselves is being challenged, threatened, or undermined in one way or another.

I’m ashamed to say that on many occasions, both in my childhood and adulthood, my ego has wanted nothing more than to inflict as much pain on others as possible, as a way of lessening some of the hurt it was feeling.

But retaliation is not the answer; it only adds more fuel to the fires of our egos.

Maybe I can be forgiven for saying that in my childhood, hurting others was an unconscious reaction to my own feelings of hurt. And in the recent past when I was still unawake, hurting someone who hurt me was my natural course of action. But now, with my increasing awareness, knowingly hurting another is not something I can condone.

In the heat of ego fights, when my ego rears up ready to defend itself, I know it will be hard, but as I am becoming more and more able to check myself before I go over the line with insults I know will cause pain I plan to pause before reacting.

I consider this a huge triumph over my ego, and something I’m proud of.

Every time I can stop myself from blindly over-reacting to a perceived threat to my values and can become an observer of my ego and its games, I know I’m taking a step in the right direction.

The more conscious we can all become of our ego play in action, the more freedom we will gain from our egos. Then, over time and with consistent effort, positive changes to our life journeys and relationships are inevitable.

Stepping up

Brand New Day by Skilyr Hicks

There is nothing that requires more courage than an intimate relationship. This is the space where my deepest fears and insecurities rise to the surface, making it even more difficult to give myself completely to another. Because to be truly vulnerable with another, I have to open up. That can be absolutely terrifying! So, rather than diving right in and swimming in the deep end, most live their lives on the surface.

But the truth is, where your relationship is stems directly from where you are. It’s easy to be distracted and to blame our partners or external events. But if you want to create real, lasting change in your relationship and achieve a level of intimacy and passion and connection that you’ve always dreamed about – then you have to look within. It starts with yourself, and it starts by stepping into your pain.

Stepping into my pain means facing my fears head on, which to be honest I have never been great at. It means immersing myself in them, rather than avoiding or even denying them altogether, which most tend to do. Yes, it's intimidating, and surely I could think of a thousand things I'd rather do. But by making this decision to step into my pain, I am also making the decision to liberate myself and even to create a new life.

It takes real courage to face your innermost challenges and to be absolutely vulnerable with yourself or anyone at that. But I know when I take the leap, I will be able to grow in ways that I never have before. And, ultimately, I will learn how to connect with myself and loved ones on an even deeper and more meaningful level.

TOTAL COMMITMENT TO THE TRUTH

The first step is to make a total commitment to the truth. I have to be willing to be open-minded and open-hearted. Because this is the only path towards opening up a new sense of awareness.

I ask myself – what are you scared of? Where is your pain and your resistance coming from?

The truth isn’t always easy – it’s not easy to handle and it’s not always easy to find because a lot of us hide it from ourselves. But it’s in that moment of recognizing “I am scared” and then making the decision to follow that fear — that is how real change is made.

Most people are too scared to follow their fears and again I have been one of those. It’s easier to pull back than to dive in. But by taking the first step to acknowledge my fears, my insecurities and my pain – I am creating a new sense of awareness and honesty. And now I will be in a better position to see it and take a more objective perspective.

TWO BIGGEST FEARS

Now that I have committed myself to the truth, I must understand that there are two deep-seated fears that every single human shares. First, there is the fear that you are not enough. Second, there is the fear that you will not be loved. No matter how confident you are, no matter if you are the President of the United States, or the greatest athlete in the world, every single person has these two fears.

How do these two fears manifest in my life? What challenges have they presented for me in my relationships? What are the times I feel alone? What am I scared of? 

Understanding these fundamental fears can help me become more aware of where my pain and insecurities stem from. And I will be better able to see just why I am holding back. Often times, we try to preserve an identity or cling so desperately to rules that we have constructed. We do that because we are scared of life outside those boundaries. I want to take the time to analyze and assess, and become really curious about why I construct these walls.

COURAGE

It’s easy to cling to what we know already. After all, certainty is a fundamental human need. It takes courage to detach and step into your fear. Now, courage doesn’t mean you’re not scared. It actually means you are terrified, but I am going to do it anyway. Remembering, it’s not courage if it’s not hard. 

By using that courage to detach from the familiar and delve into the unknown, I hope to start to wake up. I am going to see the other side of the coin, where I will be so much more. I am going to discover the real me and see how I've been selling myself short all this time. I am going to see how I've been creating the relationships I have been in. And I am going to see how it is entirely within my power to create an extraordinary, magnificent relationship not only with myself but others.

So I am harnessing this courage, make this decision and take the leap. I will learn what it really is to be vulnerable. And I hope I will see what it is to truly experience intimacy with a partner. To stop the doubt and insecurities in their tracks.To be free and liberated. To be myself. And at the end of the day, isn’t that we all yearn for?

Jillian