#Metoo

“The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it.” —Henry Thoreau

So, I believe by now that everyone is aware of what is going on with Harvey Weinstein and the “Me too” posts. I wasn’t planning on posting anything regarding this topic for a few reasons:  

1.     I recently made a post back in Aug. openly admitting that I was a victim of child sexual abuse. (http://jillian-meyer.blogspot.com/2017/08/reclaiming-life-after-abuse.html / )

2.     Although briefly talking to a counselor on the topic I know more is yet to come and true healing will take time and work. I know there are deeper emotions than just being a victim which I mention below and I am eager to jump in to those feelings, emotions, triggers to begin the true path of what has effected me.

3.     Since this all came out publicly and the coming forth of many of his victims it has weighed heavily mentally and emotionally on me, challenging me and resurfacing my past experiences, and draining my energy to focus on my goal to keep my eyes to the road ahead and not backwards.

After reading the above quote above I have decided to open up more and share about the struggles, emotions, and feelings that come from being a victim. Although these are my personal feelings and emotions this post is not for me, it's for anyone who has also been a victim. 

Shame:

In my years of protecting others from the damage they did I realized it was shame about what happened to me that kept me quiet.

Once I realized what had truly happened to me and that it was wrong I opened up to my HS boyfriend who forced me to tell my parents, who then sent me to counseling (and more which I prefer not to share here) and then that same boyfriend would use my abuse as an attack to belittle me, saying some horrible things that I still carry with me to this day.

I decided then that I would never reveal the most personal parts of myself to anyone and in the very few times that I did I still felt the immense shame as if I was “damaged goods” or that I wasn’t “worthy of their love.” Going through life just hoping to be accepted, always fearing abandonment and rejection. 

I tried to not only get over the damage, but make myself into a person that someone else would love and want to get to know. That the shame I felt was held in the idea that I was unlovable. That shame protected so many others, but not me. I used my feelings of shame to protect others from my pain and suffering.

The shame expressed itself in self-punishing habits like denying myself life’s necessities, seeking help, loving myself, anger, and bitterness. It dictated what I did and didn’t deserve. I deserved punishment; I didn’t deserve honor. I deserved criticism; I didn’t deserve respect. I deserved abandonment and rejection; I didn’t deserve attention or love. I was worthless for anything except sex and I was disgusting for it. I was disqualified for love and compassion and that I deserved to be abandoned. In my shame I abandoned myself.

Healing:

The greatest mystery of life is who we truly are. Now as I can remember the repeated accounts I also remember the resilient little girl behind the smiling mask. I was a chameleon who knew the world would not understand my pain. The burden of child abuse and survival is not something that anyone should suffer alone. I kept their secrets and did what was expected of me to survive the world that treats survivors as perpetrators. I was a chameleon to survive and to live again. I hid the abuse I suffered from people and from the world behind my smile. I smiled to say that I’m okay, that I’m one of you. I no longer hope for acceptance nor do I want to be accepted by people who would minimize or excuse rape and abuse. I do not want to be counted among those who are ignorant or ignore it. I will no longer hide. I know the world is cruel and I will live anyway. Now I take off the mask and reveal my true self, not just a survivor but a warrior, still alive, scars and all. My story does not end here but my true life and purpose begins here.

It breaks my heart to know now what that little girl, my inner child, went through all alone.

My mind is slowly revealing who I truly am. I am a survivor of child sexual abuse. I will no longer remain silent or hide behind the mask of a smile for anyone’s comfort. I am a survivor and I was a resilient child that grew up to still love deeply. They could not take that from me and they cannot have it now.

Telling yourself that you are worth more than what happened to you is difficult, believing it is even rougher. However, it is a mantra that must be repeated day after day and at time, minute after minute and I try to remind myself of this.

Strength in Numbers:

If you were abused and someone, anyone, didn’t believe you, know that I do. I believe you. I stand with you, and for you, in the small way I can. 

Speaking the truth after being abused takes incredible courage and strength. I am proud of you.  My story can be your story.

We can be victorious together as survivors. I am a survivor. You are a survivor.

We are stronger for having survived. We stand together triumphantly and move forward, bravely living abuse free lives.

If you have been abused or are currently a victim of abuse and have not yet spoken out, I urge you to reach toward a safe person and speak your truth. You too are strong and courageous and deserve to live an abuse free life. Stand with me, no longer a victim but a survivor.

Start today and make a new ending.

Jillian 

“You can’t avoid pain but you can choose to overcome it.”

Pain.
We all have it.

The pain reminds us that what happened was real and drives us to never let it happen again.

Much our lives are devoted to avoiding pain. Our brains have set up all sorts of defenses against pain and we say phrases like “I’ll never do that again” to gain some sort of control over it.

But despite the good intentions and protections we’ve put in place, pain is inevitable.

Pain has been my constant companion. We’ve been hanging out for many years now. Pain decided to move in with me. He followed me to work, to gatherings with my friends and family. Pain sat in my car, laid in my bed, got a membership and joined my gym.

Pain was everywhere and I couldn't seem to escape it. 

I learned to make peace with pain being part of my lifelong journey, but I’ve also decided that pain isn’t going to be the theme of my life. I want to have a plan for my pain.

I know that some traumatic events in life will never leave me and that I’ll think or talk about them for years to come. But rather than feeling the same gut-wrenching, panic-filled rage and shame with each recollection, I want to be able to reflect on my life knowing how painful times were but without reliving that feeling each time it comes to mind.

I think about it like breaking a bone. When you break something that was meant to be whole, it can be ridiculously painful. There are moments of agonizing, consuming hurt. The healing process is lengthy and hard. But when you heal and tell the story of how you broke that bone and how you recovered, you don’t actually physically feel that pain anymore.

You don’t feel that pain anymore because you recognized that something was wrong, felt the pain, decided you didn’t want the pain to stay and went through the process of healing or in my case, beginning the process.

When it comes to our emotional pain, some of us never go through these stages and we’re left feeling the pain from a wound possibly many years old which has been my case.

I thought I was doing well but what I realize now is that I was just burying it, ignoring it in hopes that it would just go away. So much that I didn't recognize the actual things that were causing me so much pain. I felt like a shell of a person. I was hanging out with pain each and every day and never realized it until I started therapy. 

I was trying so hard to get rid of the pain by actions that I didn’t allow myself to sit in it.

I thought that if I sat in the pain I wouldn’t survive it. I thought there was no way to mourn and make it out alive. I thought that if I allowed myself to really feel and embrace it, I would be stuck in the pain forever.

That, however, isn’t how it works.

Inviting the pain in is what saved me.

Letting the pain in is giving myself permission to fall apart, but it ISN’T saying that I want to stay that way. It is feeling the full weight of it all, all the anguish and heartache, and acknowledging how awful it was.

The point of feeling your feelings is to create room for healing to happen. This space is created from emotional release.

Instead of striving to get better, push the pain down, or attempt to numb it, I have been facing it head on.

I won't lie when I say that is is really, really messy.

I gave myself permission to express what was happening inside of me, no matter what it looked like.

It is me actively deciding not to hide from what is real to me.

And it left me with room in my brain to unpack how to become mended.

Feeling your feelings ISN’T the same as trying to torture yourself with your shortcomings or trauma. It is simply taking hold of a feeling when it comes, bringing awareness to it, and being kind to yourself about experiencing that emotion.

Pain isn’t pretty and it doesn’t require a pretty process. The important part is that you’re doing it. Living a healthy life on the inside is a great image but it is absolutely terrifying to do the work to get there. But it is one of the bravest, most rewarding practices you can do.

Through owning my pain and then going through the practical steps of healing (for me, I love therapy and intentional self-care), the broken bones of my soul don’t feel so painful.

I feel released. 

Edge of a cliff

Have you ever felt like you were on the edge of a cliff barely hanging on or that the next step you’ll surely fall to your death?  Sometimes in life when we get pushed to the end we have two choices: Fight like hell to stand our ground or just jump.  The scariest thing to do is to just let go and jump! But sometimes that is exactly what we need to do.  Often standing our ground where we are and fighting with everything we got even when things are not working is based on our ego.  The ego hates change the ego wants to be in control and we as human beings love the facade of being in control with everything in our lives.  Often the people that are the most ego driven believe they are in control of everything. (GUILTY)

We find comfort in the facade that everything is under their control.  The truth is in life we have very little control over anything. There are two things we have control over: Ourselves and our reaction to others that is it!!  No matter how much we believe differently the sooner we recognize this fact and accept it as part of our lives the better off we are moving forward.  So much disappointment in our lives comes from life seeming to just fall apart.  That feeling of true helplessness is because we created the illusion that we were in control of everything when truly we were not and it's terrifying. 

Taking that leap, letting go and believing that you can fly, is one of the hardest things we can do in our life but not doing it can lead to much more pain and disappointment than if you actually jumped.  Sure there is no guarantee that things will work out.  But by letting go you give yourself a chance, stop fighting the world and then questioning why things continue to be difficult or that bad things continue to happen.  Remember God/universe gives back to us what we put out there.  If all we are putting out there is fighting, pain and disappointment, God/universe will give us more the same.

I am not typically one to ask for help because of my ego/ pride. I want to tell myself that I have everything under control but a month ago I was really scared... Scared is not a word I use loosely but I was scared out of my mind. I decided then that things in my life and the way I was going about holding onto pain, resentment, sadness, and much more needed to change. I decided to was time to fly. I jumped into counseling and haven't stopped since. Each time I go I learn something new about myself. I've started living in the moment and not in the past. I've forgiven myself and also forgiven others because I now know that not letting go of the past is only harming myself and not allowing myself the peace I deserve. 

I used to believe that I wasn't worthy of love and pure happiness from others who were willing to give me that gift but most of all I didn't believe I deserved to give that gift to myself but you know what? I do. It's been there all along, tucked away in a dark cloud deep down. I've been on this journey for 5 weeks now and I am feeling lighter, beautiful, stronger, and loving myself more each day. The journey isn't ending here, it will be a life long journey of learning, forgiving, letting go, giving myself fully to those that I love and not holding back out of fear. 5 weeks, it's been tough and a hard pill to swallow but a beautiful awakening which I am so incredibly thankful for. I don't believe I have ever told myself that I am proud of myself. Life has thrown me some major curve balls but here I stand. So, I am pretty proud of myself and that alone makes me smile.  

Take a chance, let go and learn to fly!

Breakthrough #1

First I am just going to say that I apologize for any profanity and incorrect grammar in this post. I am just letting the words flow and type as I go.

Holy shit! Now, I can honestly say that I would have NEVER thought a "breakthrough" would have happened this quickly with started on a new therapist. But I knew I was going in with an open-mind and heart and ready to figure shit out. So, I started seeing this therapist just last week, I knew I liked her right away. In therapy I have been used to therapist just sitting and nodding and asking questions but never really felt there was a solution, in fact most of the time I would leave therapy in the past I wouldn't feel better but sometimes even worse because what was discussed just hovered over me. Last night I also started seeing the other therapist but I am going to call him more of a "coach" because of his approach and honestly I can't wait to work with him more.

So, let me explain tonight...

The first part we were discussing goals that I would like to achieve and it went a little something like this... Umm, I want to fix my fucking life! That's a goal, right? Well, according to her she needed a more simpler and realistic approach. "Okay, well then I guess it goes like this, in no particular order:"

1. Self-Love
2. Forgiveness for others that have hurt me and for myself
3. Trust
4. Dealing with my fathers passing because I don't believe I have been able to fully grieve
5. Anxiety which comes from all of the thoughts and emotions

I explained that I wanted a goal of 8-12 wks to uncover some of the underlining issues that cause me to doubt myself and others which provoke me to either lash out in anger or seclude myself in sadness. For her that was do-able to set a goal on that.

So fast forward to the last 30 mins where we started discussing my dads passing. As I am sharing with her how I have felt that I have not been able to fully grieve his passing because of ALL of the things that came one right after another after another after another... I shared with her how I secretly gave myself a Christmas present on 2016 and that was to finally close the estate and all of the shit that came along with it for 2 YEARS. I suppose in my heart and mind I would have thought the grief would have come to an end once it was all settled but in reality it didn't. It sat bottled up in sadness, guilt and anger. I never shared it with anyone besides the fact that during certain times I was sad but because I never realized it EVEN existed!!!! UNTIL TONIGHT!

After I "thought" I was finished talking about it, she says to me (but at the same time I already sense the emotions I didn't realize I was feeling until I finally spoke and thought I was done), "Jill, after hearing you talk I not only hear your sadness but I also sense some... anger." As I am holding back the tears I nod my head in agreement. Then her next question is, "can you tell me some of the things that make you angry about all of this?"

I explain to her that I was pissed that I allowed myself to be put in a position to be POA for my father and heir of the estate. Now, unless you have been there as I hadn't been before you wouldn't know the challenges, struggles and stress that this can bring on to someone. Let alone someone who just lost their father unexpectedly!

Breaking it down:

1. Dad goes in for a surgery after finding 2 spots on his lungs that the biopsy couldn't get to (post remission for cancer 2 years prior)
2. After being a full time caretaker for my dad after his previous treatment, along with being a single mom and trying to work while taking care of my dad and daughter at the same time while holding down a job, I tried to be the tough guy by pushing this procedure aside as not that big of a deal.
3. My dad told me prior after talking to the Dr. that if the spots were cancerous that he would have to do radiation (which nearly killed my dad before). My dad explained to me that he didn't think he could do radiation again, me trying to be the strong one told him we didn't need to worry about it right now and would worry about it later.
4. Day of surgery they plan to do a biopsy of the spots on my dads lungs during the surgery and IF they are cancerous they would remove the upper lobe of my dads lung. Well, they were cancerous. So, they removed the upper lobe. Nurse comes back and said surgery was over and he would be in recovery and we could see him in about an hour.
5. Hour and a half later, nurse comes back and said some issues occurred and he had to be rushed back into surgery and they were working on him then. 30 mins later the nurse comes back in saying they were still working on him and the Dr. should hopefully be out to talk to us shortly but my dad had crashed while going into recovery and basically went without H2O for nearly 30 mins. Nearly 3 hrs later the Dr. comes out to tell us that he had no idea what happened and why, they opened him again to see if the lung they worked on had collapsed and when seeing that it hadn't, opened the other side. They then tried to revive him for nearly 45 mins then putting him on 2 life support machines. One to help him breathe and another to pump H2O through his blood to his heart. They had no idea on the damage if any he may have after going that long without H20. About 45mins later we were able to see him for short visits every 2-3 hours which lead to a long night overnight stay and a full entire next day.
6. Every so often they would let him come to with the seditaitve and the nurse had told me that when he came to he was mouthing something (my dad could no longer talk because he had his voicebox removed during his 1st surgery and feared laying down flat because he said he couldn't breathe) I had learned to read lips after all of that with my dad and knew his fear and asked the nurse if next time they did that if I could be there to hopefully explain to my dad that there was a machine breathing for him and he was okay. Well, the nurse schedule was messed up and I missed my chance to do that.
6. The 2nd day I was so tired that my brother and I decided it would be best to go home and rest and come back the next day. I went to my boyfriends house that night since it was close to the hospital where he put it in a perfect prospective for me, knowing the weight that laid on my shoulders and knowing my dad said, "Do you think that if those spots weren't cancerous that your dad would be in recovery and okay right now and that maybe knowing that they were cancerous this was his was of saying he couldn't do it anymore?" He was right. Now, you have to know my dad. This does make me laugh because it is SO my dad to say, "HAHA fooled you fuckers, I am out!" Then and there is when I made the decision that the next day I would have to make the most difficult decision I hoped I would ever have to make in my life.
7. 5:30am I get a call from the nurse telling my that I needed to come to the hospital, my dad had taken a turn and they had reached their max on the meds to give him and they also called the Dr. All I could think while I am getting dressed and brushing me teeth while on the phone was "don't you do this to me now dad, not while I am not there!" Later on I like to think that he was trying to go again on his own free will. When I get there and everything is explained to me, I told the nurse I wanted to talk to the Dr. and that the fight was over, I couldn't let my dad continue like this because I knew that was his choice and his living Will. I called all of the family and that very morning after signing 2 forms with black ink with my signature we took my dad off of life support and he passed away.

After I stayed with him until he was no longer with us, I kissed his hand and forehand and said my last goodbye. That same day I arranged to go to the funeral home and make arrangements but before that my boyfriend and I stopped by my dads house to find the life insurance policy we needed. This is when something utterly gut wrenching happened. This moment brought tears to the both of us, made me realize that my dad already knew something that I was trying shrug off like no big deal but that he knew he wouldn't be around. Behind his locked office door that I had a key to is where we walked in to his desk where he had everything laid out with post-it notes; "Jill, this is my life insurance policy, Jill, theses are the bills I have paid, Jill, if you have questions on XYZ talk to ABC, etc."

It wasn't until family and friends came and I talked too prior and during his funeral that several told me that he expressed how concerned he was about this surgery. The surgery that I shrugged off as if it was no big deal, we will make it through. In my mind nothing could have been worse than the 1st. We had this or so I thought.

Which leads me to my breakthrough:

"Jill, when I hear you talk about this I can't help but to hear some anger, can you tell me what you might be angry about?"

Well, I am angry that the nurses screwed up their scheduling and prevented me from being able to physically see my dad while awake and to see if he really was mentally there and for me to be able to hold his hand and tell him that he was OKAY and that a machine was helping him breath and he didn't need to be scared to be laying flat. I WANTED to see for myself if my DAD was really there and to be able to tell him he was okay but because of the mix up with nurses that didn't get to happen, which prevented me from seeing and being there to comfort him.
I'm not angry with my dad for making me POA or heir of his estate because he didn't know what I would have to go through. He wouldn't know the struggle of everything from 2 mortgages, dealing with a custody battle with my daughter, needing to sell things that meant the world to him and getting FUCKED over on them just to be able to afford attorney bills and other bills and trying to deal with the estate on a not so great credit. Nobody would think those things. What I am angry about is that ALL of that shit happened during the time I should have been grieving my fathers death. I'm angry that I would take it all back to have him back and have nothing he left to me, I'm angry that I didn't understand the responsibility and everything that came along with being the heir. Looking back, I wish I hadn't been.
I was angry that I shrugged it all off like no big deal to later listen to people tell me that he told them that he was worried about this surgery. I was angry at myself for not taking it more seriously and spending more time with him before his surgery date. I was upset with myself that knowing all he did and put together before his surgery let me know he knew something I didn't but I felt horrible not knowing how he was feeling and he was feeling alone and that I wasn't there for him and wondered how scared he really was. How I hated late hearing from his friends and relatives of how he voiced his concern for it all and I am brushing it off as if it was okay, we made it before we will surely make it this time.
I was angry and pissed with everything that happened after my dad passed until I was finally able to sell somethings and ask for some families help that I closed the estate. Then, I realize that I'm still not "fixed" after the estate was closed when I tried to convince myself that it was over when it really never began.

Keep in mind this whole time I am talking in 20 mins reliving and finally letting it ALL out didn't take me as long to explain as it did to type. (Had to be there, I guess). When I am finally finished telling her all the reasons I was pissed off and bitter, I am one fucking hot mess of snot and tears. Finally I stopped talking and she grabbed my knees and said "what are you feeling right now?" Then more waterworks and snot before I was finally able to say, "I don't believe I have ever been able to tell anyone how all of this made me feel and if I had, I think I held back." Then more tears and snot then she says to me which is something I mentioned during all of the things I was pissed off about, "Many of us are scared of death and for those of use who are, I don't think we would think to be so thoughtful to help with everything your dad did, especially if he wasn't really an organized man (which he wasn't) but those who are accepting it, I can see them doing what your dad did by laying out all of the post-it notes."

Insert where something ugly but magical happens.... I fucking sob for however long! Longer than I have remembered crying in I don't know how long. She tells me, "to just feel it and to let it out." I know I mentioned to try to lighten the mood that I know I am an ugly crier and she tells me, "you are doing something beautiful right now and ugly is not a word to be used in this moment." Which led to about 5 more minutes of tears until I finally calmed down. THEN someone knocks on her door, she goes and looks and wouldn't you know it was the most beautiful little 7 year old blonde I have ever seen. My daughter, my therapist told her we would be just a couple more minutes and then she would take us on a tour of her horse stables and my daughter agreed but not before noticing me and my red eyes that I was trying to conceal from her. Then my therapist sits back down and she says, "think that might have been a sign from your dad telling you it's time to finally let go of all of that pain?"

Damn, I am sorry for the long post tonight but I came home tonight feeling lighter and accomplished of something along this journey that I could not wait to share!

Note to self: Breakthroughs are fucking AMAZING!!! Going to a therapist isn't for the weak, it's for those who are strong enough to realize they have issues to battle and are willing to see and know it.

Jillian

Stepping up

Brand New Day by Skilyr Hicks

There is nothing that requires more courage than an intimate relationship. This is the space where my deepest fears and insecurities rise to the surface, making it even more difficult to give myself completely to another. Because to be truly vulnerable with another, I have to open up. That can be absolutely terrifying! So, rather than diving right in and swimming in the deep end, most live their lives on the surface.

But the truth is, where your relationship is stems directly from where you are. It’s easy to be distracted and to blame our partners or external events. But if you want to create real, lasting change in your relationship and achieve a level of intimacy and passion and connection that you’ve always dreamed about – then you have to look within. It starts with yourself, and it starts by stepping into your pain.

Stepping into my pain means facing my fears head on, which to be honest I have never been great at. It means immersing myself in them, rather than avoiding or even denying them altogether, which most tend to do. Yes, it's intimidating, and surely I could think of a thousand things I'd rather do. But by making this decision to step into my pain, I am also making the decision to liberate myself and even to create a new life.

It takes real courage to face your innermost challenges and to be absolutely vulnerable with yourself or anyone at that. But I know when I take the leap, I will be able to grow in ways that I never have before. And, ultimately, I will learn how to connect with myself and loved ones on an even deeper and more meaningful level.

TOTAL COMMITMENT TO THE TRUTH

The first step is to make a total commitment to the truth. I have to be willing to be open-minded and open-hearted. Because this is the only path towards opening up a new sense of awareness.

I ask myself – what are you scared of? Where is your pain and your resistance coming from?

The truth isn’t always easy – it’s not easy to handle and it’s not always easy to find because a lot of us hide it from ourselves. But it’s in that moment of recognizing “I am scared” and then making the decision to follow that fear — that is how real change is made.

Most people are too scared to follow their fears and again I have been one of those. It’s easier to pull back than to dive in. But by taking the first step to acknowledge my fears, my insecurities and my pain – I am creating a new sense of awareness and honesty. And now I will be in a better position to see it and take a more objective perspective.

TWO BIGGEST FEARS

Now that I have committed myself to the truth, I must understand that there are two deep-seated fears that every single human shares. First, there is the fear that you are not enough. Second, there is the fear that you will not be loved. No matter how confident you are, no matter if you are the President of the United States, or the greatest athlete in the world, every single person has these two fears.

How do these two fears manifest in my life? What challenges have they presented for me in my relationships? What are the times I feel alone? What am I scared of? 

Understanding these fundamental fears can help me become more aware of where my pain and insecurities stem from. And I will be better able to see just why I am holding back. Often times, we try to preserve an identity or cling so desperately to rules that we have constructed. We do that because we are scared of life outside those boundaries. I want to take the time to analyze and assess, and become really curious about why I construct these walls.

COURAGE

It’s easy to cling to what we know already. After all, certainty is a fundamental human need. It takes courage to detach and step into your fear. Now, courage doesn’t mean you’re not scared. It actually means you are terrified, but I am going to do it anyway. Remembering, it’s not courage if it’s not hard. 

By using that courage to detach from the familiar and delve into the unknown, I hope to start to wake up. I am going to see the other side of the coin, where I will be so much more. I am going to discover the real me and see how I've been selling myself short all this time. I am going to see how I've been creating the relationships I have been in. And I am going to see how it is entirely within my power to create an extraordinary, magnificent relationship not only with myself but others.

So I am harnessing this courage, make this decision and take the leap. I will learn what it really is to be vulnerable. And I hope I will see what it is to truly experience intimacy with a partner. To stop the doubt and insecurities in their tracks.To be free and liberated. To be myself. And at the end of the day, isn’t that we all yearn for?

Jillian