Selfless

“Selfishness is that detestable vice which no one will forgive in others, and no one is without himself.” – Henry Ward Beecher

With little or no effort, we recognize the ugly effects of greed and selfishness on our society, culture, and nations. The greed of others makes this world a less pleasurable place to live for all of us. We wish they would change for the sake of everyone. In some cases, we even unify and protest to pressure them to change.

All the while, our personal greed rarely goes challenged. Recognizing the negative effects of corporate selfishness is easy. But identifying our own selfish motivation is more difficult to accomplish. It is, after all, far more painful to discover and admit. Unless you have a wake up call. 

What has selfishness been within me? Jealousy, being angry and bitter, negatively impacting relationships, high expectations, unforgiving, keeping me from experiencing love, joy, hope, gratitude, generosity and hindering me from true contentment.

I used to be one of the most unselfish people. (I am not saying I was perfect and never had selfish tendencies but 8 out of 10 times I would always put the needs of others before myself.) I would go out of my way to make someone smile, I would give my last dollar if I knew someone needed it, I would give without expectations but that all changed for some reason.

I lost sight of how being selfless made me feel. I was content, happier, giving, lovable, had little to no expectations, I was grateful for people in my life and my life. I hate what happened to me! I suppose I was wallowing in self-pity and I became stuck in the quicksand.  

I no longer want to live a selfish life nor will I hold on thinking a kind act done owes me one in return. Every day I will give out love, hope, joy, forgiveness, and gratitude. It’s taken me some time to see this but I am really starting to believe in the energy that you give out comes back to you. Plant the seed and watch it grow. Smile and be thankful.

May we refuse to overlook the importance of selflessness. Instead, may we choose to pursue selflessness as the very means to achieve happiness—not just for our own sake, but for the sake of those we choose to love.

“There is nothing more beautiful than someone who goes out of their way to make life beautiful for others.” 

~Jillian~

You are more than your mistakes

We’ve all done things we aren’t proud of. Made decisions that we’ve immediately wished we could take back. Uttered words out loud that have instantly twisted our gut with a pang of discomfort and regret. We’ve all done things without thinking, or while only thinking of ourselves and no one else. We’ve all done things because they’ve felt good in the moment, ignoring what we know will be an unfortunate outcome.

Bottom line, we’ve all made mistakes. Sometimes we even repeat them. Sometimes not just once, but over and over again. And when that happens, it’s not difficult to start beating yourself up. To look at the wreckage that surrounds you, the one that you yourself have conjured up, and hate yourself for what you’ve caused.

It’s all too easy to go back in time, to pluck out those instances from your memory, and count them one by one. To revisit and replay them until they’re stuck in the forefront in your mind, instead of in the past where they belong.

No one likes to screw up. We all want to make the right decision, one hundred percent of the time.

But the truth is that what we actually need to be doing is forgiving ourselves for the mistakes we’ve made, not punishing ourselves for them.

What we need to really being doing is examining those instances, and ultimately learning from them. When we pull those mistakes from the storage of our memories, we can’t just chastise ourselves for the stupid things that we’ve done. We can’t simply look at ourselves in anger.

The world that we live in preaches perfection; we’re all under the impression that the only option we have is to succeed, that we need to do everything right the first time we attempt it. And our culture isn’t one that encourages trial and error, but rather one that pushes perfectionism with the only alternate being total failure.

But I don’t need to tell you that this isn’t the way the world actually works.

No one gets everything right the first time. There’s never been a person who’s lived on this earth who has gotten everything completely correct. Even those who seems to have it all figured out have made awful mistakes, ones that they probably thought would change the trajectory of their lives for the worst.

And behind every successful person is a path at least partly cemented with regret for what could have been, but ultimately never came to be because of a mistake that was made.

So instead of beating ourselves up over every stupid thing we’ve ever done, over every relationship we’ve sabotaged, every person we’ve hurt and every opportunity we gave up for something that didn’t pan out as well as we thought, let’s take the opportunity to learn something. Let’s analyze the situation and figure out where we went wrong. Let’s right our wrongs and apologize to those we didn’t do well by. Let’s mourn for those chances we missed and the roads we didn’t take.

But after we’re done with that, let’s put it all aside and move on. Let’s bundle up all of those mistakes and stash them into the vault of long term memory; we can’t, after all, pretend those things never happened.

But we can decide not let the mistakes of the past dictate the decisions we make in our future. We can’t let them define who we are as people, as individuals.

Because we’re all only human.

And while we’re at it, let’s forgive ourselves. Let those feelings of shame go. Let them leave your body in one big exhale. Don’t let the mistakes stick to your insides, don’t let the regret rot you. Exhale and release. Let go and start fresh.

Remember that you’ll most definitely make new mistakes. Because you’ll never truly be done with getting it wrong; no one will. Prepare yourself for those blips in your atmosphere. Be ready to let those things go once you’re done with them, once those mistakes have taught you the lessons you needed to be taught.

Learn and let go. Make right and then move on. Forgive and take a step forward.

Because you are so much more than your mistakes.

Published on Thought Catalog

“The ego is the false self-born out of fear and defensiveness.” ~John O’Donohue

The last few years have been life changing in not always the best possible ways but in the last 8 weeks I’ve learned so much about myself, things I didn’t have the courage to acknowledge before.

It hasn’t all been a bed of roses—some of the insights I’ve gleaned haven’t been that comfortable to see.

One of the things I have recently been reflecting on is the Ego and how it plays a role within my life. I have recently realized that when disagreements or arguments erupt in my personal relationships, it is often over the smallest things, which seem so important at the time. A prime example is something such as someone asking me to do something without saying, “please” or a text that I may take completely out of context.

Such a minor failing has the power to seriously irritate me, causing an argument to blow up out of all proportion—sending one or either of us into fits of temper tantrums that can end with one or both of us brooding and not speaking to the other.

Although we’re both possibly aware how childishly we’re behaving and can see our over-reactions, we are nevertheless at a loss to stop or change this process. Why? Because of our egos!

For the first time in my life I am seeing, experiencing, and understanding the ego play that takes place in every conflict I have. These insights are allowing me to unravel the true nature of my ego and its workings.

If I were to describe my ego, I would compare it to an irritable, barely containable caged monster on the one hand and an irate, screaming five-year-old on the other. And just like a child that doesn’t get her own way, she’s constantly throwing tantrums.

These tantrums take the form of anger, hurt, fear, defensiveness, exaggeration, frustration, self-preservation, insecurity, self-pity, and tears—all mixed with large quantities of drama.

In the heat of an argument, my five-year-old ego is very quick to feel hurt, so she reacts by jumping, stomping her feet, cursing, and defending herself. Then, just as quickly, the caged monster surfaces, rearing up like an angry giant, sword and shield in hand, ready to inflict hurt in return.

I literally see my ego self-rising up like a dark shadowy character, looming menacingly above my head.

Of course I know this ego play doesn’t solve anything—it only serves to trigger the other’s own ego defense games. Suddenly we’re both wounded five-year-olds, shouting and throwing ugly insults back and forth at each other.

Then, invariably, we have to argue about who started it and which one of us is right.

As you can imagine, these ego battles take up a lot of energy and are very stressful, not to mention emotionally draining.

I notice that when I’m in this heightened state of drama, my ability for logical thinking goes out of the window. I lose all connection to my grown-up self and I feel the adult receding, regressing me back to an insecure child.

I see myself adopting the same body language and survival strategies I used when I got into disputes during childhood.

Looking back, it’s obvious to me that my current over-reactions have a lot to do with how I was brought up or the relationships I have been in.

As a child/ teen, I didn’t have the awareness to recognize the surge of my ego during these altercations with my parents or relationships, when my very existence felt under threat. But of course, every part of me screamed silently in protest, including my ego.

Now, as a so-called mature adult, it’s quite disconcerting to visibly witness my conditioned responses popping to the surface during heated conflicts, especially when some part of me feels threatened.

These responses haven’t altered or evolved at all since my childhood. Sometimes it feels like I’ve never really grown up.

I still discover myself seething in the same helpless way to emotional triggers and feeling the same powerlessness when my will is challenged or when I feel controlled, as I often do during conflicts.

My ego rears up in anger and defense in exactly the way it did when I was a child/teen.

And yet, even in the most extreme spells of ego drama, I have found it difficult to be able to take a step back from my hurt, stealing a momentary pause from the heat of my frustration.

Doing these short breaks would allow my anger to calm, giving space for my ego to stand down. Then being able to recognize the reasons for my exaggerated reactions, understanding that a part of me was feeling threatened.

I’ve observed that my biggest over-reactions occur when a partner threatens what I deem important.

It’s utterly clear to me that my ego simply functions to protect the parts of myself I feel I must defend, secure, or guard, like my will, my way of expression, my beliefs and moral values.

My ego jumps up in defense of these values because of the importance I’ve given them, effectively giving my ego permission to react whenever these values feel challenged.

Amazingly, the truth is, these morals can only exert power over me if I allow them to. I can equally decide not to give them any power at all, which should gradually stop my ego’s need to defend them.

I know it will take time to break this pattern of over-reactions to emotional triggers, since my conditioned responses are almost automatic now. However, in conflict situations, if in one time out of ten I don’t react, it will certainly make a difference to my life and relationships, won’t it?

What a liberation that will be!

For years I’ve unknowingly been trapped in the same ego cycle of trigger/reaction, trigger/reaction that developed when I was a child/ teen.

Now, with the benefit of being able to witness my ego play in action, I no longer feel a prisoner of its games. For the first time in life, I am learning to choose whether or not to react.

These other insights around my ego will hopefully improve my relationships, as well as the relationships with family and friends.

The ego wants to blame others.

We have all become so accustomed to blaming other people and circumstances that we are often not even conscious that we’re doing it.

On the surface, it’s much easier to blame others, because it removes the burden of accountability from us and places it firmly at the feet of the other. However, although blaming others appears to be a quick-fix solution, in all honesty, it isn’t.

Believe it or not, blaming others takes away our control of the situation and passes it onto the other. It prevents us from seeing the whole truth of the issue and blocks us from fully understanding ourselves, which can keep us stuck in the same obstructive patterns of behavior.

For years I blamed people for everything that was wrong in my life. I blamed them for not being there for me, for not supporting me and for not being who I expected them to be. Spending so much time and energy blaming them, I wasn’t able to see my own part in the situation.

When I finally had the courage to stop blaming others, it came as quite a shock to me to realize that I was equally responsible for the things I was unhappy with.

It’s clear to me that my ego’s fear of admitting culpability kept me in blame mode.

I naturally progressed onto blaming my partner, because my ego makes it difficult for me to accept my part in a conflict that I am at least partly responsible for. So it’s no surprise our arguments escalated as they did.

Ultimately, we must all strive to accept responsibility for every action we take, even the ones we’re ashamed of. The more we’re able to do this, the stronger we become and the weaker our egos will be, gradually loosening the grip they have on us.

The ego covers up.

Another thing I can say about the ego is that it will do anything to cover up its mistakes, especially when it sees it’s wrong. Its attempts to cover up increase when caught red-handed, behaving just like a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

Maybe my actions as a child could be excused, but sadly, my behavior as an adult hasn’t improved—I still find myself fighting to deny the truth when I’m unexpectedly caught off guard.

My ego hates being so easily called out, so it must cover up and defend.

One of the hardest things for any of us to do is to admit we are wrong, because when we own up to being wrong, it automatically makes the other right.

And being wrong is something our egos cannot bear. As a result, we find it difficult to say sorry or to ask forgiveness, which exacerbates our conflicts.

I’m also recognizing that our inability to admit our wrongdoing keeps us stuck in our defensive positions, which allows our egos to fool us into fighting, justifying, and defending every point of view—a complete drain of our energy.

I’ve noticed, however, that when I see the truth and can openly admit it, surprisingly, rather than separating, the admission can bring us closer together, healing some of the hurt we created during our conflict.

So admitting that we are wrong need not be a negative experience, but can instead empower us, lessening some of the control our egos have on us

The ego wants to hurt back.

For me, one of the worst things in the world is the pain of feeling hurt, as I imagine is true for most of us.

Sometimes, the hurt we feel paralyzes us and we’re unable to fight back, but at other times, the only thing we can think of is how we can hurt the other person back.

Our egos trick us into believing that hurting the other will alleviate the pain we’re feeling.

I’ve realized that in all conflict situations, it is actually our egos that feel hurt. Again because some value or aspect of the image we have internally built up of ourselves is being challenged, threatened, or undermined in one way or another.

I’m ashamed to say that on many occasions, both in my childhood and adulthood, my ego has wanted nothing more than to inflict as much pain on others as possible, as a way of lessening some of the hurt it was feeling.

But retaliation is not the answer; it only adds more fuel to the fires of our egos.

Maybe I can be forgiven for saying that in my childhood, hurting others was an unconscious reaction to my own feelings of hurt. And in the recent past when I was still unawake, hurting someone who hurt me was my natural course of action. But now, with my increasing awareness, knowingly hurting another is not something I can condone.

In the heat of ego fights, when my ego rears up ready to defend itself, I know it will be hard, but as I am becoming more and more able to check myself before I go over the line with insults I know will cause pain I plan to pause before reacting.

I consider this a huge triumph over my ego, and something I’m proud of.

Every time I can stop myself from blindly over-reacting to a perceived threat to my values and can become an observer of my ego and its games, I know I’m taking a step in the right direction.

The more conscious we can all become of our ego play in action, the more freedom we will gain from our egos. Then, over time and with consistent effort, positive changes to our life journeys and relationships are inevitable.

Gratitude

Over the weekend I took a little bit of time to take in some much needed nature. I went hiking at Shades State Park. When I say hiking I am not talking about some paved pathway, I mean rugged hiking through the valleys through a creek bed. My legs are certainly feeling it.

I made sure to put my phone in airplane mode and I had no reception which didn't allow for any distractions. Pictures just don't do this place justice but I also tried not grabbing my phone every 2 minutes out of my backpack and was afraid to carry it in case I tripped from trying to take it all in.

Being Present

I took in all of the sights and sounds that nature was offering. I wasn't thinking about looking at my phone, I wasn't thinking about later, and I wasn't even worried about the time. I was present in the moment or hours I was out there. My worries and stress weren't present, just concentrating on my breathing and trying not to trip.

Gratitude

It's amazing what you can do when you are present in the moment and taking the time to soak it all in. For me, gratitude comes to mind. You are able to enjoy the life and beauty around you. Gratitude has been something that has been difficult for me. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for many things but what I have failed to do and most certainly working harder on as of lately is being mindful of all the things I am grateful for instead of worrying about all of the stress of the past that can't be changed and the future that has yet to arrive.

Thinking about the hike still brings a smile to my face. I'm thankful that I made myself go and proud of myself for taking it all in. I can't go back and change all of the other times in my life that I should have done the same thing because I can't go back, but what I can do is change the way I absorb things to come.

I made peace with some more things from my life recently which is why I needed this day to fully reflect. As I have mentioned in the beginning, it hasn't always been pretty. To know that I had to make peace with pain that I was holding on to, owning it, I let it surround me, stopped resisting it. Accepting it, being grateful for it and letting go of it. Until we learn to have a different relationship with pain, it will continue and continue and continue to weigh us down which is what it has done to me and I am loving the lighter feeling no matter how ugly it can be when you bring it to light.

To be present, to be grateful. Open your eyes!

Breakthrough #1

First I am just going to say that I apologize for any profanity and incorrect grammar in this post. I am just letting the words flow and type as I go.

Holy shit! Now, I can honestly say that I would have NEVER thought a "breakthrough" would have happened this quickly with started on a new therapist. But I knew I was going in with an open-mind and heart and ready to figure shit out. So, I started seeing this therapist just last week, I knew I liked her right away. In therapy I have been used to therapist just sitting and nodding and asking questions but never really felt there was a solution, in fact most of the time I would leave therapy in the past I wouldn't feel better but sometimes even worse because what was discussed just hovered over me. Last night I also started seeing the other therapist but I am going to call him more of a "coach" because of his approach and honestly I can't wait to work with him more.

So, let me explain tonight...

The first part we were discussing goals that I would like to achieve and it went a little something like this... Umm, I want to fix my fucking life! That's a goal, right? Well, according to her she needed a more simpler and realistic approach. "Okay, well then I guess it goes like this, in no particular order:"

1. Self-Love
2. Forgiveness for others that have hurt me and for myself
3. Trust
4. Dealing with my fathers passing because I don't believe I have been able to fully grieve
5. Anxiety which comes from all of the thoughts and emotions

I explained that I wanted a goal of 8-12 wks to uncover some of the underlining issues that cause me to doubt myself and others which provoke me to either lash out in anger or seclude myself in sadness. For her that was do-able to set a goal on that.

So fast forward to the last 30 mins where we started discussing my dads passing. As I am sharing with her how I have felt that I have not been able to fully grieve his passing because of ALL of the things that came one right after another after another after another... I shared with her how I secretly gave myself a Christmas present on 2016 and that was to finally close the estate and all of the shit that came along with it for 2 YEARS. I suppose in my heart and mind I would have thought the grief would have come to an end once it was all settled but in reality it didn't. It sat bottled up in sadness, guilt and anger. I never shared it with anyone besides the fact that during certain times I was sad but because I never realized it EVEN existed!!!! UNTIL TONIGHT!

After I "thought" I was finished talking about it, she says to me (but at the same time I already sense the emotions I didn't realize I was feeling until I finally spoke and thought I was done), "Jill, after hearing you talk I not only hear your sadness but I also sense some... anger." As I am holding back the tears I nod my head in agreement. Then her next question is, "can you tell me some of the things that make you angry about all of this?"

I explain to her that I was pissed that I allowed myself to be put in a position to be POA for my father and heir of the estate. Now, unless you have been there as I hadn't been before you wouldn't know the challenges, struggles and stress that this can bring on to someone. Let alone someone who just lost their father unexpectedly!

Breaking it down:

1. Dad goes in for a surgery after finding 2 spots on his lungs that the biopsy couldn't get to (post remission for cancer 2 years prior)
2. After being a full time caretaker for my dad after his previous treatment, along with being a single mom and trying to work while taking care of my dad and daughter at the same time while holding down a job, I tried to be the tough guy by pushing this procedure aside as not that big of a deal.
3. My dad told me prior after talking to the Dr. that if the spots were cancerous that he would have to do radiation (which nearly killed my dad before). My dad explained to me that he didn't think he could do radiation again, me trying to be the strong one told him we didn't need to worry about it right now and would worry about it later.
4. Day of surgery they plan to do a biopsy of the spots on my dads lungs during the surgery and IF they are cancerous they would remove the upper lobe of my dads lung. Well, they were cancerous. So, they removed the upper lobe. Nurse comes back and said surgery was over and he would be in recovery and we could see him in about an hour.
5. Hour and a half later, nurse comes back and said some issues occurred and he had to be rushed back into surgery and they were working on him then. 30 mins later the nurse comes back in saying they were still working on him and the Dr. should hopefully be out to talk to us shortly but my dad had crashed while going into recovery and basically went without H2O for nearly 30 mins. Nearly 3 hrs later the Dr. comes out to tell us that he had no idea what happened and why, they opened him again to see if the lung they worked on had collapsed and when seeing that it hadn't, opened the other side. They then tried to revive him for nearly 45 mins then putting him on 2 life support machines. One to help him breathe and another to pump H2O through his blood to his heart. They had no idea on the damage if any he may have after going that long without H20. About 45mins later we were able to see him for short visits every 2-3 hours which lead to a long night overnight stay and a full entire next day.
6. Every so often they would let him come to with the seditaitve and the nurse had told me that when he came to he was mouthing something (my dad could no longer talk because he had his voicebox removed during his 1st surgery and feared laying down flat because he said he couldn't breathe) I had learned to read lips after all of that with my dad and knew his fear and asked the nurse if next time they did that if I could be there to hopefully explain to my dad that there was a machine breathing for him and he was okay. Well, the nurse schedule was messed up and I missed my chance to do that.
6. The 2nd day I was so tired that my brother and I decided it would be best to go home and rest and come back the next day. I went to my boyfriends house that night since it was close to the hospital where he put it in a perfect prospective for me, knowing the weight that laid on my shoulders and knowing my dad said, "Do you think that if those spots weren't cancerous that your dad would be in recovery and okay right now and that maybe knowing that they were cancerous this was his was of saying he couldn't do it anymore?" He was right. Now, you have to know my dad. This does make me laugh because it is SO my dad to say, "HAHA fooled you fuckers, I am out!" Then and there is when I made the decision that the next day I would have to make the most difficult decision I hoped I would ever have to make in my life.
7. 5:30am I get a call from the nurse telling my that I needed to come to the hospital, my dad had taken a turn and they had reached their max on the meds to give him and they also called the Dr. All I could think while I am getting dressed and brushing me teeth while on the phone was "don't you do this to me now dad, not while I am not there!" Later on I like to think that he was trying to go again on his own free will. When I get there and everything is explained to me, I told the nurse I wanted to talk to the Dr. and that the fight was over, I couldn't let my dad continue like this because I knew that was his choice and his living Will. I called all of the family and that very morning after signing 2 forms with black ink with my signature we took my dad off of life support and he passed away.

After I stayed with him until he was no longer with us, I kissed his hand and forehand and said my last goodbye. That same day I arranged to go to the funeral home and make arrangements but before that my boyfriend and I stopped by my dads house to find the life insurance policy we needed. This is when something utterly gut wrenching happened. This moment brought tears to the both of us, made me realize that my dad already knew something that I was trying shrug off like no big deal but that he knew he wouldn't be around. Behind his locked office door that I had a key to is where we walked in to his desk where he had everything laid out with post-it notes; "Jill, this is my life insurance policy, Jill, theses are the bills I have paid, Jill, if you have questions on XYZ talk to ABC, etc."

It wasn't until family and friends came and I talked too prior and during his funeral that several told me that he expressed how concerned he was about this surgery. The surgery that I shrugged off as if it was no big deal, we will make it through. In my mind nothing could have been worse than the 1st. We had this or so I thought.

Which leads me to my breakthrough:

"Jill, when I hear you talk about this I can't help but to hear some anger, can you tell me what you might be angry about?"

Well, I am angry that the nurses screwed up their scheduling and prevented me from being able to physically see my dad while awake and to see if he really was mentally there and for me to be able to hold his hand and tell him that he was OKAY and that a machine was helping him breath and he didn't need to be scared to be laying flat. I WANTED to see for myself if my DAD was really there and to be able to tell him he was okay but because of the mix up with nurses that didn't get to happen, which prevented me from seeing and being there to comfort him.
I'm not angry with my dad for making me POA or heir of his estate because he didn't know what I would have to go through. He wouldn't know the struggle of everything from 2 mortgages, dealing with a custody battle with my daughter, needing to sell things that meant the world to him and getting FUCKED over on them just to be able to afford attorney bills and other bills and trying to deal with the estate on a not so great credit. Nobody would think those things. What I am angry about is that ALL of that shit happened during the time I should have been grieving my fathers death. I'm angry that I would take it all back to have him back and have nothing he left to me, I'm angry that I didn't understand the responsibility and everything that came along with being the heir. Looking back, I wish I hadn't been.
I was angry that I shrugged it all off like no big deal to later listen to people tell me that he told them that he was worried about this surgery. I was angry at myself for not taking it more seriously and spending more time with him before his surgery date. I was upset with myself that knowing all he did and put together before his surgery let me know he knew something I didn't but I felt horrible not knowing how he was feeling and he was feeling alone and that I wasn't there for him and wondered how scared he really was. How I hated late hearing from his friends and relatives of how he voiced his concern for it all and I am brushing it off as if it was okay, we made it before we will surely make it this time.
I was angry and pissed with everything that happened after my dad passed until I was finally able to sell somethings and ask for some families help that I closed the estate. Then, I realize that I'm still not "fixed" after the estate was closed when I tried to convince myself that it was over when it really never began.

Keep in mind this whole time I am talking in 20 mins reliving and finally letting it ALL out didn't take me as long to explain as it did to type. (Had to be there, I guess). When I am finally finished telling her all the reasons I was pissed off and bitter, I am one fucking hot mess of snot and tears. Finally I stopped talking and she grabbed my knees and said "what are you feeling right now?" Then more waterworks and snot before I was finally able to say, "I don't believe I have ever been able to tell anyone how all of this made me feel and if I had, I think I held back." Then more tears and snot then she says to me which is something I mentioned during all of the things I was pissed off about, "Many of us are scared of death and for those of use who are, I don't think we would think to be so thoughtful to help with everything your dad did, especially if he wasn't really an organized man (which he wasn't) but those who are accepting it, I can see them doing what your dad did by laying out all of the post-it notes."

Insert where something ugly but magical happens.... I fucking sob for however long! Longer than I have remembered crying in I don't know how long. She tells me, "to just feel it and to let it out." I know I mentioned to try to lighten the mood that I know I am an ugly crier and she tells me, "you are doing something beautiful right now and ugly is not a word to be used in this moment." Which led to about 5 more minutes of tears until I finally calmed down. THEN someone knocks on her door, she goes and looks and wouldn't you know it was the most beautiful little 7 year old blonde I have ever seen. My daughter, my therapist told her we would be just a couple more minutes and then she would take us on a tour of her horse stables and my daughter agreed but not before noticing me and my red eyes that I was trying to conceal from her. Then my therapist sits back down and she says, "think that might have been a sign from your dad telling you it's time to finally let go of all of that pain?"

Damn, I am sorry for the long post tonight but I came home tonight feeling lighter and accomplished of something along this journey that I could not wait to share!

Note to self: Breakthroughs are fucking AMAZING!!! Going to a therapist isn't for the weak, it's for those who are strong enough to realize they have issues to battle and are willing to see and know it.

Jillian

Maybe the best present is to BE Present

Good morning!

Last night after quieting my mind and reading some of a new book called You Are A Badass: How to stop doubting your Greatness & start living an Awesome Life , I tried for the first time to meditate.

Who is familiar with this or does this? (Leave me a comment on what it was like when you began and any tips and tricks you have, I would love to hear)

I've done my research on it and understand that for beginners it can be a little challenging at first. My mind is always going, thinking, wondering, etc. So, I set a timer for 5 mins (so I wouldn't constantly be checking the time), sat in silence with my back against the wall, legs crossed and arms resting on my legs and hands cupped in my lap and started concentrating on my breathing. First thing I noticed, was that I had to keep reminding myself to relax my jaw. One of the suggestions was to close my eyes and envision a light shining over me and coming through me and out, making a complete circle of light. Many random thoughts came to me and each time one started; "thoughts of my mishap that happened 2 weeks ago, I would exhale and once I inhaled I repeated "forgive yourself" and kept inhaling those words until the thought left then went back to concentrating on my breathing. Then the thought of "wanting to really know what is going on deep down inside of me" so I exhaled that and every time I would inhale I would repeat "Be patient, I love myself."

Now, I don't really believe that is exactly how meditation is supposed to go but I know it takes practice but I CAN say this... When the alarm finally went off and I opened my eyes, I felt slightly foggy, relaxed and at peace. I smiled.

After that I laid down in bed and went to sleep but then woke up around 11:30 wide awake so I turned on Netflix and started watching a random movie that I picked out because I really wasn't planning on watching it but it was called To The Bone. I fell back asleep within 15-20 mins and then woke back up to the video I linked above. I watched and I cried because after watching the video and then a little more of the movie I realized the movie was about a young woman dealing with anorexia and she meets this Dr. where she joins the group of others battling their own demons. Her journey is to discover how to confront her disorder and learn self-acceptance.

Coincidence? I don't thing so. I don't suffer from anorexia but I do have other things that I need to confront and also learn self-acceptance so, I am planning on watching the full movie but I AM THANKFUL that I had a chance to see the beautiful part of "Because We Are Alive."

I am alive. I am thankful for another day. I came to work this morning and I was able to witness this beautiful site. So for today, I will keep repeating "I am thankful for today, forgive yourself, Be patient, I love myself."

Have a beautiful day and don't forget to subscribe to follow along.



I do not hold the rights to this video or song. If you would like to hear the song entirely you can listen to it here.  Jack Garratt - Water on Spotify

The dreaded day, the wake up call to my self-discovery

The journey of self-discovery:

I dreaded the thought of what I might find. What if I “didn’t have it all together”? What if I needed development, healing or support from others? I couldn’t imagine opening myself up to judgment.

This way of being, this fear of being seen, led to years of false narratives, poor relationships, addictions, feelings of loneliness, jealousy and a long affair with depression.

That is, until one day changed it all - a day that dared me to explore, to connect, to develop, and to stand up for my life and who I was capable of being.

It is a day that I will never forget that became an eye opener that saved me to start this journey.

Now, I can’t say that I remember everything or in fact the events that led up to it because alcohol was involved (another topic and post later) but once I found out that I did such a horrible thing to someone that not only was my best friend but someone I counted on and loved… I remember feeling humiliated, ashamed, hopeless, scared and numb. I felt everything and nothing all at once. I wanted to stop the hurt. The guilt saturated me. I begged for forgiveness, I pleaded for him not to leave but the damage was done. I was devastated.

A week later still feeling the guilt and shame I just didn’t care about “me” anymore. I didn’t care what happened. Now, this is very difficult for me to share but I am choosing to share it with you in hopes that somewhere out there someone else might be feeling this way as well and can be strong enough to hold on. I didn’t have any plans to hurt myself or anyone else but I just had this feeling of not wanting or caring to be here anymore. (Damn, that is a tough pill to swallow) I was scared and needed someone. So, I picked up the phone and talked to a friend for a while and she helped calm me for a bit but then we hung up and my mind started racing again. So, I did the next thing I knew I had to do and that was call my mom. I didn’t tell her anything about what had happened the week prior, I just was sobbing uncontrollably and told her I was scared and she said she was on her way.

I can’t tell you how grateful I was for her that day. She held me why I sobbed in her arms. I explained to her that I did something awful and that I didn’t think I could ever forgive myself, that is when she told me, “Jill, whatever it is, you have to forgive yourself. I love you and I will always be here for you no matter what.” Although those words just went through one ear and out the other, I was thankful that she was there and that she stayed with me, that alone gave me peace of mind and strength for the next day.

The following day I started researching every website, every avenue to get the help I needed. Prior to this day I had already attended 2 AA meetings but I am talking about therapy. I was able to reach out to a friend who knew of someone whom I called and scheduled an appt. with but I also found another place through my new job that found someone I could see until my insurance kicked in which I went to last night. 2 therapists might seem overboard but I wasn’t willing to go without anything at all. I was making the steps that I truly needed for myself and I was proud of myself for doing that.

So, moral of this you may ask? We make mistakes and those mistakes may be easily forgiven and some may not but it is what YOU do about it that counts. I have thought I have hit rock bottom before but I believe this was my rock bottom. It shook me to the core. I made some horrible mistakes and with those I KNEW I needed to change and I needed help. As sad as it is and what I did, the outcome was truly not what I wanted but it opened up my eyes and saved me and at least for that, I can be thankful. 

I needed to learn that alcohol was NOT my friend, I need to learn to deal with things that happened to me when I was younger and completely out of my control, I need to grieve for my father that passed in 2014 that I never had a chance to do, I need to forgive myself for my shortcomings, I need to learn to love myself, I need to let go of all of the anger in my heart, and I need to learn to trust people again.

THIS is where my journey really starts...

Jill

“The beginning is the most important part of the work.”