Breakthrough #1

First I am just going to say that I apologize for any profanity and incorrect grammar in this post. I am just letting the words flow and type as I go.

Holy shit! Now, I can honestly say that I would have NEVER thought a "breakthrough" would have happened this quickly with started on a new therapist. But I knew I was going in with an open-mind and heart and ready to figure shit out. So, I started seeing this therapist just last week, I knew I liked her right away. In therapy I have been used to therapist just sitting and nodding and asking questions but never really felt there was a solution, in fact most of the time I would leave therapy in the past I wouldn't feel better but sometimes even worse because what was discussed just hovered over me. Last night I also started seeing the other therapist but I am going to call him more of a "coach" because of his approach and honestly I can't wait to work with him more.

So, let me explain tonight...

The first part we were discussing goals that I would like to achieve and it went a little something like this... Umm, I want to fix my fucking life! That's a goal, right? Well, according to her she needed a more simpler and realistic approach. "Okay, well then I guess it goes like this, in no particular order:"

1. Self-Love
2. Forgiveness for others that have hurt me and for myself
3. Trust
4. Dealing with my fathers passing because I don't believe I have been able to fully grieve
5. Anxiety which comes from all of the thoughts and emotions

I explained that I wanted a goal of 8-12 wks to uncover some of the underlining issues that cause me to doubt myself and others which provoke me to either lash out in anger or seclude myself in sadness. For her that was do-able to set a goal on that.

So fast forward to the last 30 mins where we started discussing my dads passing. As I am sharing with her how I have felt that I have not been able to fully grieve his passing because of ALL of the things that came one right after another after another after another... I shared with her how I secretly gave myself a Christmas present on 2016 and that was to finally close the estate and all of the shit that came along with it for 2 YEARS. I suppose in my heart and mind I would have thought the grief would have come to an end once it was all settled but in reality it didn't. It sat bottled up in sadness, guilt and anger. I never shared it with anyone besides the fact that during certain times I was sad but because I never realized it EVEN existed!!!! UNTIL TONIGHT!

After I "thought" I was finished talking about it, she says to me (but at the same time I already sense the emotions I didn't realize I was feeling until I finally spoke and thought I was done), "Jill, after hearing you talk I not only hear your sadness but I also sense some... anger." As I am holding back the tears I nod my head in agreement. Then her next question is, "can you tell me some of the things that make you angry about all of this?"

I explain to her that I was pissed that I allowed myself to be put in a position to be POA for my father and heir of the estate. Now, unless you have been there as I hadn't been before you wouldn't know the challenges, struggles and stress that this can bring on to someone. Let alone someone who just lost their father unexpectedly!

Breaking it down:

1. Dad goes in for a surgery after finding 2 spots on his lungs that the biopsy couldn't get to (post remission for cancer 2 years prior)
2. After being a full time caretaker for my dad after his previous treatment, along with being a single mom and trying to work while taking care of my dad and daughter at the same time while holding down a job, I tried to be the tough guy by pushing this procedure aside as not that big of a deal.
3. My dad told me prior after talking to the Dr. that if the spots were cancerous that he would have to do radiation (which nearly killed my dad before). My dad explained to me that he didn't think he could do radiation again, me trying to be the strong one told him we didn't need to worry about it right now and would worry about it later.
4. Day of surgery they plan to do a biopsy of the spots on my dads lungs during the surgery and IF they are cancerous they would remove the upper lobe of my dads lung. Well, they were cancerous. So, they removed the upper lobe. Nurse comes back and said surgery was over and he would be in recovery and we could see him in about an hour.
5. Hour and a half later, nurse comes back and said some issues occurred and he had to be rushed back into surgery and they were working on him then. 30 mins later the nurse comes back in saying they were still working on him and the Dr. should hopefully be out to talk to us shortly but my dad had crashed while going into recovery and basically went without H2O for nearly 30 mins. Nearly 3 hrs later the Dr. comes out to tell us that he had no idea what happened and why, they opened him again to see if the lung they worked on had collapsed and when seeing that it hadn't, opened the other side. They then tried to revive him for nearly 45 mins then putting him on 2 life support machines. One to help him breathe and another to pump H2O through his blood to his heart. They had no idea on the damage if any he may have after going that long without H20. About 45mins later we were able to see him for short visits every 2-3 hours which lead to a long night overnight stay and a full entire next day.
6. Every so often they would let him come to with the seditaitve and the nurse had told me that when he came to he was mouthing something (my dad could no longer talk because he had his voicebox removed during his 1st surgery and feared laying down flat because he said he couldn't breathe) I had learned to read lips after all of that with my dad and knew his fear and asked the nurse if next time they did that if I could be there to hopefully explain to my dad that there was a machine breathing for him and he was okay. Well, the nurse schedule was messed up and I missed my chance to do that.
6. The 2nd day I was so tired that my brother and I decided it would be best to go home and rest and come back the next day. I went to my boyfriends house that night since it was close to the hospital where he put it in a perfect prospective for me, knowing the weight that laid on my shoulders and knowing my dad said, "Do you think that if those spots weren't cancerous that your dad would be in recovery and okay right now and that maybe knowing that they were cancerous this was his was of saying he couldn't do it anymore?" He was right. Now, you have to know my dad. This does make me laugh because it is SO my dad to say, "HAHA fooled you fuckers, I am out!" Then and there is when I made the decision that the next day I would have to make the most difficult decision I hoped I would ever have to make in my life.
7. 5:30am I get a call from the nurse telling my that I needed to come to the hospital, my dad had taken a turn and they had reached their max on the meds to give him and they also called the Dr. All I could think while I am getting dressed and brushing me teeth while on the phone was "don't you do this to me now dad, not while I am not there!" Later on I like to think that he was trying to go again on his own free will. When I get there and everything is explained to me, I told the nurse I wanted to talk to the Dr. and that the fight was over, I couldn't let my dad continue like this because I knew that was his choice and his living Will. I called all of the family and that very morning after signing 2 forms with black ink with my signature we took my dad off of life support and he passed away.

After I stayed with him until he was no longer with us, I kissed his hand and forehand and said my last goodbye. That same day I arranged to go to the funeral home and make arrangements but before that my boyfriend and I stopped by my dads house to find the life insurance policy we needed. This is when something utterly gut wrenching happened. This moment brought tears to the both of us, made me realize that my dad already knew something that I was trying shrug off like no big deal but that he knew he wouldn't be around. Behind his locked office door that I had a key to is where we walked in to his desk where he had everything laid out with post-it notes; "Jill, this is my life insurance policy, Jill, theses are the bills I have paid, Jill, if you have questions on XYZ talk to ABC, etc."

It wasn't until family and friends came and I talked too prior and during his funeral that several told me that he expressed how concerned he was about this surgery. The surgery that I shrugged off as if it was no big deal, we will make it through. In my mind nothing could have been worse than the 1st. We had this or so I thought.

Which leads me to my breakthrough:

"Jill, when I hear you talk about this I can't help but to hear some anger, can you tell me what you might be angry about?"

Well, I am angry that the nurses screwed up their scheduling and prevented me from being able to physically see my dad while awake and to see if he really was mentally there and for me to be able to hold his hand and tell him that he was OKAY and that a machine was helping him breath and he didn't need to be scared to be laying flat. I WANTED to see for myself if my DAD was really there and to be able to tell him he was okay but because of the mix up with nurses that didn't get to happen, which prevented me from seeing and being there to comfort him.
I'm not angry with my dad for making me POA or heir of his estate because he didn't know what I would have to go through. He wouldn't know the struggle of everything from 2 mortgages, dealing with a custody battle with my daughter, needing to sell things that meant the world to him and getting FUCKED over on them just to be able to afford attorney bills and other bills and trying to deal with the estate on a not so great credit. Nobody would think those things. What I am angry about is that ALL of that shit happened during the time I should have been grieving my fathers death. I'm angry that I would take it all back to have him back and have nothing he left to me, I'm angry that I didn't understand the responsibility and everything that came along with being the heir. Looking back, I wish I hadn't been.
I was angry that I shrugged it all off like no big deal to later listen to people tell me that he told them that he was worried about this surgery. I was angry at myself for not taking it more seriously and spending more time with him before his surgery date. I was upset with myself that knowing all he did and put together before his surgery let me know he knew something I didn't but I felt horrible not knowing how he was feeling and he was feeling alone and that I wasn't there for him and wondered how scared he really was. How I hated late hearing from his friends and relatives of how he voiced his concern for it all and I am brushing it off as if it was okay, we made it before we will surely make it this time.
I was angry and pissed with everything that happened after my dad passed until I was finally able to sell somethings and ask for some families help that I closed the estate. Then, I realize that I'm still not "fixed" after the estate was closed when I tried to convince myself that it was over when it really never began.

Keep in mind this whole time I am talking in 20 mins reliving and finally letting it ALL out didn't take me as long to explain as it did to type. (Had to be there, I guess). When I am finally finished telling her all the reasons I was pissed off and bitter, I am one fucking hot mess of snot and tears. Finally I stopped talking and she grabbed my knees and said "what are you feeling right now?" Then more waterworks and snot before I was finally able to say, "I don't believe I have ever been able to tell anyone how all of this made me feel and if I had, I think I held back." Then more tears and snot then she says to me which is something I mentioned during all of the things I was pissed off about, "Many of us are scared of death and for those of use who are, I don't think we would think to be so thoughtful to help with everything your dad did, especially if he wasn't really an organized man (which he wasn't) but those who are accepting it, I can see them doing what your dad did by laying out all of the post-it notes."

Insert where something ugly but magical happens.... I fucking sob for however long! Longer than I have remembered crying in I don't know how long. She tells me, "to just feel it and to let it out." I know I mentioned to try to lighten the mood that I know I am an ugly crier and she tells me, "you are doing something beautiful right now and ugly is not a word to be used in this moment." Which led to about 5 more minutes of tears until I finally calmed down. THEN someone knocks on her door, she goes and looks and wouldn't you know it was the most beautiful little 7 year old blonde I have ever seen. My daughter, my therapist told her we would be just a couple more minutes and then she would take us on a tour of her horse stables and my daughter agreed but not before noticing me and my red eyes that I was trying to conceal from her. Then my therapist sits back down and she says, "think that might have been a sign from your dad telling you it's time to finally let go of all of that pain?"

Damn, I am sorry for the long post tonight but I came home tonight feeling lighter and accomplished of something along this journey that I could not wait to share!

Note to self: Breakthroughs are fucking AMAZING!!! Going to a therapist isn't for the weak, it's for those who are strong enough to realize they have issues to battle and are willing to see and know it.

Jillian

Stepping up

Brand New Day by Skilyr Hicks

There is nothing that requires more courage than an intimate relationship. This is the space where my deepest fears and insecurities rise to the surface, making it even more difficult to give myself completely to another. Because to be truly vulnerable with another, I have to open up. That can be absolutely terrifying! So, rather than diving right in and swimming in the deep end, most live their lives on the surface.

But the truth is, where your relationship is stems directly from where you are. It’s easy to be distracted and to blame our partners or external events. But if you want to create real, lasting change in your relationship and achieve a level of intimacy and passion and connection that you’ve always dreamed about – then you have to look within. It starts with yourself, and it starts by stepping into your pain.

Stepping into my pain means facing my fears head on, which to be honest I have never been great at. It means immersing myself in them, rather than avoiding or even denying them altogether, which most tend to do. Yes, it's intimidating, and surely I could think of a thousand things I'd rather do. But by making this decision to step into my pain, I am also making the decision to liberate myself and even to create a new life.

It takes real courage to face your innermost challenges and to be absolutely vulnerable with yourself or anyone at that. But I know when I take the leap, I will be able to grow in ways that I never have before. And, ultimately, I will learn how to connect with myself and loved ones on an even deeper and more meaningful level.

TOTAL COMMITMENT TO THE TRUTH

The first step is to make a total commitment to the truth. I have to be willing to be open-minded and open-hearted. Because this is the only path towards opening up a new sense of awareness.

I ask myself – what are you scared of? Where is your pain and your resistance coming from?

The truth isn’t always easy – it’s not easy to handle and it’s not always easy to find because a lot of us hide it from ourselves. But it’s in that moment of recognizing “I am scared” and then making the decision to follow that fear — that is how real change is made.

Most people are too scared to follow their fears and again I have been one of those. It’s easier to pull back than to dive in. But by taking the first step to acknowledge my fears, my insecurities and my pain – I am creating a new sense of awareness and honesty. And now I will be in a better position to see it and take a more objective perspective.

TWO BIGGEST FEARS

Now that I have committed myself to the truth, I must understand that there are two deep-seated fears that every single human shares. First, there is the fear that you are not enough. Second, there is the fear that you will not be loved. No matter how confident you are, no matter if you are the President of the United States, or the greatest athlete in the world, every single person has these two fears.

How do these two fears manifest in my life? What challenges have they presented for me in my relationships? What are the times I feel alone? What am I scared of? 

Understanding these fundamental fears can help me become more aware of where my pain and insecurities stem from. And I will be better able to see just why I am holding back. Often times, we try to preserve an identity or cling so desperately to rules that we have constructed. We do that because we are scared of life outside those boundaries. I want to take the time to analyze and assess, and become really curious about why I construct these walls.

COURAGE

It’s easy to cling to what we know already. After all, certainty is a fundamental human need. It takes courage to detach and step into your fear. Now, courage doesn’t mean you’re not scared. It actually means you are terrified, but I am going to do it anyway. Remembering, it’s not courage if it’s not hard. 

By using that courage to detach from the familiar and delve into the unknown, I hope to start to wake up. I am going to see the other side of the coin, where I will be so much more. I am going to discover the real me and see how I've been selling myself short all this time. I am going to see how I've been creating the relationships I have been in. And I am going to see how it is entirely within my power to create an extraordinary, magnificent relationship not only with myself but others.

So I am harnessing this courage, make this decision and take the leap. I will learn what it really is to be vulnerable. And I hope I will see what it is to truly experience intimacy with a partner. To stop the doubt and insecurities in their tracks.To be free and liberated. To be myself. And at the end of the day, isn’t that we all yearn for?

Jillian

Maybe the best present is to BE Present

Good morning!

Last night after quieting my mind and reading some of a new book called You Are A Badass: How to stop doubting your Greatness & start living an Awesome Life , I tried for the first time to meditate.

Who is familiar with this or does this? (Leave me a comment on what it was like when you began and any tips and tricks you have, I would love to hear)

I've done my research on it and understand that for beginners it can be a little challenging at first. My mind is always going, thinking, wondering, etc. So, I set a timer for 5 mins (so I wouldn't constantly be checking the time), sat in silence with my back against the wall, legs crossed and arms resting on my legs and hands cupped in my lap and started concentrating on my breathing. First thing I noticed, was that I had to keep reminding myself to relax my jaw. One of the suggestions was to close my eyes and envision a light shining over me and coming through me and out, making a complete circle of light. Many random thoughts came to me and each time one started; "thoughts of my mishap that happened 2 weeks ago, I would exhale and once I inhaled I repeated "forgive yourself" and kept inhaling those words until the thought left then went back to concentrating on my breathing. Then the thought of "wanting to really know what is going on deep down inside of me" so I exhaled that and every time I would inhale I would repeat "Be patient, I love myself."

Now, I don't really believe that is exactly how meditation is supposed to go but I know it takes practice but I CAN say this... When the alarm finally went off and I opened my eyes, I felt slightly foggy, relaxed and at peace. I smiled.

After that I laid down in bed and went to sleep but then woke up around 11:30 wide awake so I turned on Netflix and started watching a random movie that I picked out because I really wasn't planning on watching it but it was called To The Bone. I fell back asleep within 15-20 mins and then woke back up to the video I linked above. I watched and I cried because after watching the video and then a little more of the movie I realized the movie was about a young woman dealing with anorexia and she meets this Dr. where she joins the group of others battling their own demons. Her journey is to discover how to confront her disorder and learn self-acceptance.

Coincidence? I don't thing so. I don't suffer from anorexia but I do have other things that I need to confront and also learn self-acceptance so, I am planning on watching the full movie but I AM THANKFUL that I had a chance to see the beautiful part of "Because We Are Alive."

I am alive. I am thankful for another day. I came to work this morning and I was able to witness this beautiful site. So for today, I will keep repeating "I am thankful for today, forgive yourself, Be patient, I love myself."

Have a beautiful day and don't forget to subscribe to follow along.



I do not hold the rights to this video or song. If you would like to hear the song entirely you can listen to it here.  Jack Garratt - Water on Spotify

The dreaded day, the wake up call to my self-discovery

The journey of self-discovery:

I dreaded the thought of what I might find. What if I “didn’t have it all together”? What if I needed development, healing or support from others? I couldn’t imagine opening myself up to judgment.

This way of being, this fear of being seen, led to years of false narratives, poor relationships, addictions, feelings of loneliness, jealousy and a long affair with depression.

That is, until one day changed it all - a day that dared me to explore, to connect, to develop, and to stand up for my life and who I was capable of being.

It is a day that I will never forget that became an eye opener that saved me to start this journey.

Now, I can’t say that I remember everything or in fact the events that led up to it because alcohol was involved (another topic and post later) but once I found out that I did such a horrible thing to someone that not only was my best friend but someone I counted on and loved… I remember feeling humiliated, ashamed, hopeless, scared and numb. I felt everything and nothing all at once. I wanted to stop the hurt. The guilt saturated me. I begged for forgiveness, I pleaded for him not to leave but the damage was done. I was devastated.

A week later still feeling the guilt and shame I just didn’t care about “me” anymore. I didn’t care what happened. Now, this is very difficult for me to share but I am choosing to share it with you in hopes that somewhere out there someone else might be feeling this way as well and can be strong enough to hold on. I didn’t have any plans to hurt myself or anyone else but I just had this feeling of not wanting or caring to be here anymore. (Damn, that is a tough pill to swallow) I was scared and needed someone. So, I picked up the phone and talked to a friend for a while and she helped calm me for a bit but then we hung up and my mind started racing again. So, I did the next thing I knew I had to do and that was call my mom. I didn’t tell her anything about what had happened the week prior, I just was sobbing uncontrollably and told her I was scared and she said she was on her way.

I can’t tell you how grateful I was for her that day. She held me why I sobbed in her arms. I explained to her that I did something awful and that I didn’t think I could ever forgive myself, that is when she told me, “Jill, whatever it is, you have to forgive yourself. I love you and I will always be here for you no matter what.” Although those words just went through one ear and out the other, I was thankful that she was there and that she stayed with me, that alone gave me peace of mind and strength for the next day.

The following day I started researching every website, every avenue to get the help I needed. Prior to this day I had already attended 2 AA meetings but I am talking about therapy. I was able to reach out to a friend who knew of someone whom I called and scheduled an appt. with but I also found another place through my new job that found someone I could see until my insurance kicked in which I went to last night. 2 therapists might seem overboard but I wasn’t willing to go without anything at all. I was making the steps that I truly needed for myself and I was proud of myself for doing that.

So, moral of this you may ask? We make mistakes and those mistakes may be easily forgiven and some may not but it is what YOU do about it that counts. I have thought I have hit rock bottom before but I believe this was my rock bottom. It shook me to the core. I made some horrible mistakes and with those I KNEW I needed to change and I needed help. As sad as it is and what I did, the outcome was truly not what I wanted but it opened up my eyes and saved me and at least for that, I can be thankful. 

I needed to learn that alcohol was NOT my friend, I need to learn to deal with things that happened to me when I was younger and completely out of my control, I need to grieve for my father that passed in 2014 that I never had a chance to do, I need to forgive myself for my shortcomings, I need to learn to love myself, I need to let go of all of the anger in my heart, and I need to learn to trust people again.

THIS is where my journey really starts...

Jill

“The beginning is the most important part of the work.” 

New Journey

In the past I have used this blog for writings that I would type out or even hand write. I can't say where my journey was headed or if I even had a plan when I started this blog so many years ago. 

As I look back on some of my older posts I see the darkness, as I read others I see the light. 

Today, I am on a new journey. A journey of self-love and happiness. I was once told, "you can't possibly love someone else if you don't love yourself first." Although I see the truth behind that statement but I also believe it is possible to love someone even though you yourself don't fully love your own self. What does stick out from that statement IS this... Even though I can still love someone to the depths of my core without loving myself first, imagine the love that I can truly give IF I did love myself first!

So, I plan to remove all of my previous posts (besides a few) and start new. Fresh, clean slate. New Chapter. New blog name. The journey that I plan to take won't be easy, it's scary because I know I am going to face some darkness and ugliness, I will be vulnerable which is not something I am good at, and it's going to be uncomfortable, but what I hope to gain and share with you is the lessons I plan and want to learn, it won't always be pretty but what I want in the outcome is self-love, happiness, healing, forgiveness and beauty. 

Will you follow me on my journey?

Happy 6th Birthday, Alivia!

Happy 6th Birthday to this sweet and beautiful little girl!!!
Every year for her Birthday I write her a letter and this year’s letter was a little more difficult. With all that we have been through, the main man in our lives passing, all of the changes of moving here and there, starting a new daycare and now kindergarten, I couldn't help but to reflect back on how much she has been through in 6 short years.

Alivia,
To be honest, many of my parenthood expectations have been shattered by the beautiful reality that you are your own person, and have been from the very beginning. That reality has taught me more about love, patience, and what really matters most in life… so thank you. I’m sure I’ll need constant reminders, so please be patient. There is plenty more lessons life has to offer; plenty more things for your inquisitive mind and curious heart to learn. In my own 30+ years on this earth I’ve had my share of lessons, too… some learned through hard work and dedication, others learned through failure and mistakes. You will learn those too and if you need a shoulder or a helping hand, I am never far.

Even though I can’t (nor desire to) control you, I can hopefully teach you. As I look to your future I have many questions and concerns. I wonder how you’ll adapt to social pressures, maneuver through difficult circumstances, and mold your life with the unique and diverse experiences awaiting you. But, my sweet beautiful girl you have overcome so much, you have inspired so many in just 6 years, imagine what you can do in another 6! You are incredibly made Just. The. Way. You. Are. Embrace being unique, embrace the gift GOD has given you to teach and inspire. You have the ability to change the world in both small and large ways, even when if you want to become a pop star.

Value what you bring to the world. And then give that same gift to others by valuing their unique strengths and beauties. There are a millions ways to be beautiful, wise, talented, and useful in this world. Don’t fall victim to a life of shallow comparisons. There is no need for it. Love unconditionally. There’s enough hate in the world, and not enough love.

Don't be afraid to take risks, but do so wisely. The risk of failure, vulnerability, looking stupid, or making mistakes for the chance achieve greatness are risks worth taking. Relationships, passions, and incredible opportunities are usually only realized through risk.

Your body is a miracle. Love it deeply. Look yourself in the mirror EVERY day and recognize how amazing YOU are. Take care of your body. Cherish your strengths. Value wholeness instead of picking out insignificant “flaws.” Tell yourself you are beautiful. I will remind you, too. Believe it always.
You are a magnificently complicated creature who can be powerful, strong, gentle, and delicate all at the same time. Power doesn’t mean aggressive. Delicate doesn’t mean weak. Be firm in your ability to be a force for good without giving up the ability to connect with lightness.

There is so much cynicism, anger, and entitlement in the world. Be a beacon of light through hope and optimism. Good things are attracted to good things. Challenges will come no matter what, but those who choose to see the bright side are just happier. It’s that simple.

Our current education system is majorly broken. And one of the problems is the fear of failure that is instilled in our minds from the very beginning. Failure is one of life’s greatest teachers if we are willing to listen, learn, and progress forward. Never, ever, EVER be afraid of failing. True greatness only ever comes from learning from our mistakes.

True friends will love you. They will make you feel good. They will be on your side, challenge you if they need to, and never try to make you feel less than a whole person. If a friend doesn’t do those things, let them go. There are billions of wonderful people in the world, don’t waste time on anyone who makes you feel otherwise.

There will be times of sadness and we know that we have experienced that this year. There will be times that you will miss someone who isn’t here and they are in GOD’s hands. You are not only adored here with all of us but you are adored from Heaven above. Alivia, I wish I could explain to you just how much you helped your pa-paw and the strength you gave him while he was here. He lived his last years for you even when he was getting tired and weak, he still managed to be the strongest man in both of our lives. His very last words to me were “take care of that little girl for me.” I didn’t realize until a few short days later what he really meant by that. It gives me great honor to know that he trusted me enough so he could finally let go and go home to his forever home, which one day you will meet again. I am thankful that you were old enough to understand that he went to heaven but yet young enough to not understand fully. I love how you sleep with all of his pillows from his shirts (all 5 of them) and the little heart in bed with you. I just hope that each day that I know I did enough to honor his wishes.

I love your little heart, I love how big you love, and I most certainly love all of you. You are kind, giving, compassionate, forgiving, talented, blessed and so incredibly beautiful. Remember: You ARE ENOUGH, repeat that often. You are the sweetest gift that I could have ever received. I adore you and all of the little things about you. I love you to the moon and back and around again. ~Momma

Original post - 9-24-15

To my sweet girl on her 4th Birthday

My sweet girl on her 4th Birthday

Alivia,

You are 4 years old today!  I can’t believe it and I wish I could turn the clock backwards to the first time I held you in my arms.  The first time I laid my eyes on you I couldn’t stop the stream of tears that were flowing and the amount of love I had in my heart, because of you I know the true meaning of “Love at first sight.”  I’ll never forget the way you smelled, your squishy little cheeks, your beautiful full lips, your head full of hair, and the peach fuzz that covered your shoulders and ear lobes. You were smaller than I expected and even swaddled up, you felt so fragile and breakable to me.  I look at you now and it is so hard to imagine that you were ever so tiny.

You’re silly, you’re quick to pick up on things, you have my sensitivity and that is becoming more and more evident as you grow.  You get so excited about things, and the moment something disappointing happens – you’re crushed – with explosive and dramatic, yet very sincere tears.  It’s endearing.  You are just a growing, independent girl, who thankfully still enjoys cuddles with her mama and that just melts my heart.  You love to listen and dance to music.  You learn the words of songs so quickly and I love hearing you quietly sing or when I catch you dancing when you think I am not watching.

You, my little love, have a mind of your own (Possibly another trait of mine you have).  You are teaching me a lot about depending not on my own strength or wisdom for mothering you.  I am learning that while it is my duty to teach, correct and lead you, I cannot determine who you will be.  Don’t be confused – I am smitten with you.  Often times you are the most delightful creature [that I think] has walked the earth.  Other times, it is a challenge to cause you to do anything that is not your own idea.  But while that makes my job as a mother much more challenging, it reminds me that you are fearfully and wonderfully made, and that I must be wise and prayerful as I raise you.

You are my heart and soul.  Since the moment you came into this world, you have had an effect on mama that is impossible to put into words. You have smiled since day one and I love the way you go after everything in life with such flare and optimism.  I hope that you always allow your wonderful self to shine.  Do not let others tell you how to act or who to be.  Do not let others let you waiver from your own path.   Above all else, do not let anyone make you feel anything other than amazing.  You are intelligent, sincere, empathetic, giving, creative, and oh so beautiful.  Know that you have been blessed with everything you need in life to succeed and find happiness.  This world is an amazing and challenging place.  It is yours to savor, navigate, and enjoy.  Live each day with a sense of gratitude and life will honor your heart.  You may face some struggles that seem unfair, but don’t let it get you down.  Fight.  Be as fearless forever as you are today.  Remember that mama loves you unconditionally and that I’ll always fight for you in any way I can. I want so many things for you and I know in my heart that you will have them, and so much more.  Always remember how loved you are. You have no idea how many people have prayed for you and are just as moved by your presence.  I will hold your hand, cheer you on, pick you up, and watch you discover all that it means to be you.  It is clear that you have so much to offer this world. There has always been something so special about you.  You’re a once-in-a-lifetime miracle that we are all just so lucky to have met.  You’ll hear me say a million times in your life how I never thought I’d have a daughter.  God knew better.  He gave you to me for a reason. I needed you to teach me things that I wouldn't otherwise have been able to learn.  

You have been the sweetest gift to me in so many ways, baby girl.  In this life, I hope I am able to give you half of what you've given me… but I am not sure that’s even possible. I love you and could not be more proud of my 4 year old!

Happy Birthday, sweet girl. You light up my life.

Love,

Mama