You are more than your mistakes

We’ve all done things we aren’t proud of. Made decisions that we’ve immediately wished we could take back. Uttered words out loud that have instantly twisted our gut with a pang of discomfort and regret. We’ve all done things without thinking, or while only thinking of ourselves and no one else. We’ve all done things because they’ve felt good in the moment, ignoring what we know will be an unfortunate outcome.

Bottom line, we’ve all made mistakes. Sometimes we even repeat them. Sometimes not just once, but over and over again. And when that happens, it’s not difficult to start beating yourself up. To look at the wreckage that surrounds you, the one that you yourself have conjured up, and hate yourself for what you’ve caused.

It’s all too easy to go back in time, to pluck out those instances from your memory, and count them one by one. To revisit and replay them until they’re stuck in the forefront in your mind, instead of in the past where they belong.

No one likes to screw up. We all want to make the right decision, one hundred percent of the time.

But the truth is that what we actually need to be doing is forgiving ourselves for the mistakes we’ve made, not punishing ourselves for them.

What we need to really being doing is examining those instances, and ultimately learning from them. When we pull those mistakes from the storage of our memories, we can’t just chastise ourselves for the stupid things that we’ve done. We can’t simply look at ourselves in anger.

The world that we live in preaches perfection; we’re all under the impression that the only option we have is to succeed, that we need to do everything right the first time we attempt it. And our culture isn’t one that encourages trial and error, but rather one that pushes perfectionism with the only alternate being total failure.

But I don’t need to tell you that this isn’t the way the world actually works.

No one gets everything right the first time. There’s never been a person who’s lived on this earth who has gotten everything completely correct. Even those who seems to have it all figured out have made awful mistakes, ones that they probably thought would change the trajectory of their lives for the worst.

And behind every successful person is a path at least partly cemented with regret for what could have been, but ultimately never came to be because of a mistake that was made.

So instead of beating ourselves up over every stupid thing we’ve ever done, over every relationship we’ve sabotaged, every person we’ve hurt and every opportunity we gave up for something that didn’t pan out as well as we thought, let’s take the opportunity to learn something. Let’s analyze the situation and figure out where we went wrong. Let’s right our wrongs and apologize to those we didn’t do well by. Let’s mourn for those chances we missed and the roads we didn’t take.

But after we’re done with that, let’s put it all aside and move on. Let’s bundle up all of those mistakes and stash them into the vault of long term memory; we can’t, after all, pretend those things never happened.

But we can decide not let the mistakes of the past dictate the decisions we make in our future. We can’t let them define who we are as people, as individuals.

Because we’re all only human.

And while we’re at it, let’s forgive ourselves. Let those feelings of shame go. Let them leave your body in one big exhale. Don’t let the mistakes stick to your insides, don’t let the regret rot you. Exhale and release. Let go and start fresh.

Remember that you’ll most definitely make new mistakes. Because you’ll never truly be done with getting it wrong; no one will. Prepare yourself for those blips in your atmosphere. Be ready to let those things go once you’re done with them, once those mistakes have taught you the lessons you needed to be taught.

Learn and let go. Make right and then move on. Forgive and take a step forward.

Because you are so much more than your mistakes.

Published on Thought Catalog

"The worst war in the world is the one that goes on inside of our heads when we are not confident in ourselves."

"When we doubt who we are it causes us to go inside of our head to think, rethink, and then to overthink about all of the possible outcomes again. The worst war in the world is the one that goes on inside of our heads when we are not confident in ourselves. It’s a process but we have to love ourselves as we grow, we have to accept ourselves for the human that we are today."

I have followed Sylvester McNutt on Instagram for quite some time now. Several of his quotes and poetry really stick out to me. I knew he had a few books out but The Dear Queen Journey - A Path to Self Love is one that I have really wanted to read. Why? Well, because I am on this new path of Self Discovery and Self Love! 

Sylvester also has several other books about Success in life and also books about Love which I may eventually read but for now this is the one that I picked (or maybe it picked me) because it approaches what I am trying to succeed. 

I am in love with his quotes and his way of writing which is basically poetry. If you have Amazon prime with kindle, this little guy is on Unlimited Kindle for FREE. You're welcome! :) 

Another thing I have been doing and I receive one typically every day and that is how I start my day. Lately, as soon as I get out of bed I have a new morning inspirational video from YouTube on a channel that I subscribed to: Be Inspired - Daily Motivation  So, my routine is to start playing it as soon as I get up and while I get ready. Depending on the length I may have to continue it once I get to work so I just plug in my headphones. 

I still have my affirmations throughout my house, in my purse and at my desk. They have been up for about 3-4 wks so I think it's probably time to update and change them out. 

It may be a gloomy day but we needed the rain. See the beauty in everything! Be confident, be bold and don't forget to smile. 

Love, 

Jillian 

“The ego is the false self-born out of fear and defensiveness.” ~John O’Donohue

The last few years have been life changing in not always the best possible ways but in the last 8 weeks I’ve learned so much about myself, things I didn’t have the courage to acknowledge before.

It hasn’t all been a bed of roses—some of the insights I’ve gleaned haven’t been that comfortable to see.

One of the things I have recently been reflecting on is the Ego and how it plays a role within my life. I have recently realized that when disagreements or arguments erupt in my personal relationships, it is often over the smallest things, which seem so important at the time. A prime example is something such as someone asking me to do something without saying, “please” or a text that I may take completely out of context.

Such a minor failing has the power to seriously irritate me, causing an argument to blow up out of all proportion—sending one or either of us into fits of temper tantrums that can end with one or both of us brooding and not speaking to the other.

Although we’re both possibly aware how childishly we’re behaving and can see our over-reactions, we are nevertheless at a loss to stop or change this process. Why? Because of our egos!

For the first time in my life I am seeing, experiencing, and understanding the ego play that takes place in every conflict I have. These insights are allowing me to unravel the true nature of my ego and its workings.

If I were to describe my ego, I would compare it to an irritable, barely containable caged monster on the one hand and an irate, screaming five-year-old on the other. And just like a child that doesn’t get her own way, she’s constantly throwing tantrums.

These tantrums take the form of anger, hurt, fear, defensiveness, exaggeration, frustration, self-preservation, insecurity, self-pity, and tears—all mixed with large quantities of drama.

In the heat of an argument, my five-year-old ego is very quick to feel hurt, so she reacts by jumping, stomping her feet, cursing, and defending herself. Then, just as quickly, the caged monster surfaces, rearing up like an angry giant, sword and shield in hand, ready to inflict hurt in return.

I literally see my ego self-rising up like a dark shadowy character, looming menacingly above my head.

Of course I know this ego play doesn’t solve anything—it only serves to trigger the other’s own ego defense games. Suddenly we’re both wounded five-year-olds, shouting and throwing ugly insults back and forth at each other.

Then, invariably, we have to argue about who started it and which one of us is right.

As you can imagine, these ego battles take up a lot of energy and are very stressful, not to mention emotionally draining.

I notice that when I’m in this heightened state of drama, my ability for logical thinking goes out of the window. I lose all connection to my grown-up self and I feel the adult receding, regressing me back to an insecure child.

I see myself adopting the same body language and survival strategies I used when I got into disputes during childhood.

Looking back, it’s obvious to me that my current over-reactions have a lot to do with how I was brought up or the relationships I have been in.

As a child/ teen, I didn’t have the awareness to recognize the surge of my ego during these altercations with my parents or relationships, when my very existence felt under threat. But of course, every part of me screamed silently in protest, including my ego.

Now, as a so-called mature adult, it’s quite disconcerting to visibly witness my conditioned responses popping to the surface during heated conflicts, especially when some part of me feels threatened.

These responses haven’t altered or evolved at all since my childhood. Sometimes it feels like I’ve never really grown up.

I still discover myself seething in the same helpless way to emotional triggers and feeling the same powerlessness when my will is challenged or when I feel controlled, as I often do during conflicts.

My ego rears up in anger and defense in exactly the way it did when I was a child/teen.

And yet, even in the most extreme spells of ego drama, I have found it difficult to be able to take a step back from my hurt, stealing a momentary pause from the heat of my frustration.

Doing these short breaks would allow my anger to calm, giving space for my ego to stand down. Then being able to recognize the reasons for my exaggerated reactions, understanding that a part of me was feeling threatened.

I’ve observed that my biggest over-reactions occur when a partner threatens what I deem important.

It’s utterly clear to me that my ego simply functions to protect the parts of myself I feel I must defend, secure, or guard, like my will, my way of expression, my beliefs and moral values.

My ego jumps up in defense of these values because of the importance I’ve given them, effectively giving my ego permission to react whenever these values feel challenged.

Amazingly, the truth is, these morals can only exert power over me if I allow them to. I can equally decide not to give them any power at all, which should gradually stop my ego’s need to defend them.

I know it will take time to break this pattern of over-reactions to emotional triggers, since my conditioned responses are almost automatic now. However, in conflict situations, if in one time out of ten I don’t react, it will certainly make a difference to my life and relationships, won’t it?

What a liberation that will be!

For years I’ve unknowingly been trapped in the same ego cycle of trigger/reaction, trigger/reaction that developed when I was a child/ teen.

Now, with the benefit of being able to witness my ego play in action, I no longer feel a prisoner of its games. For the first time in life, I am learning to choose whether or not to react.

These other insights around my ego will hopefully improve my relationships, as well as the relationships with family and friends.

The ego wants to blame others.

We have all become so accustomed to blaming other people and circumstances that we are often not even conscious that we’re doing it.

On the surface, it’s much easier to blame others, because it removes the burden of accountability from us and places it firmly at the feet of the other. However, although blaming others appears to be a quick-fix solution, in all honesty, it isn’t.

Believe it or not, blaming others takes away our control of the situation and passes it onto the other. It prevents us from seeing the whole truth of the issue and blocks us from fully understanding ourselves, which can keep us stuck in the same obstructive patterns of behavior.

For years I blamed people for everything that was wrong in my life. I blamed them for not being there for me, for not supporting me and for not being who I expected them to be. Spending so much time and energy blaming them, I wasn’t able to see my own part in the situation.

When I finally had the courage to stop blaming others, it came as quite a shock to me to realize that I was equally responsible for the things I was unhappy with.

It’s clear to me that my ego’s fear of admitting culpability kept me in blame mode.

I naturally progressed onto blaming my partner, because my ego makes it difficult for me to accept my part in a conflict that I am at least partly responsible for. So it’s no surprise our arguments escalated as they did.

Ultimately, we must all strive to accept responsibility for every action we take, even the ones we’re ashamed of. The more we’re able to do this, the stronger we become and the weaker our egos will be, gradually loosening the grip they have on us.

The ego covers up.

Another thing I can say about the ego is that it will do anything to cover up its mistakes, especially when it sees it’s wrong. Its attempts to cover up increase when caught red-handed, behaving just like a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

Maybe my actions as a child could be excused, but sadly, my behavior as an adult hasn’t improved—I still find myself fighting to deny the truth when I’m unexpectedly caught off guard.

My ego hates being so easily called out, so it must cover up and defend.

One of the hardest things for any of us to do is to admit we are wrong, because when we own up to being wrong, it automatically makes the other right.

And being wrong is something our egos cannot bear. As a result, we find it difficult to say sorry or to ask forgiveness, which exacerbates our conflicts.

I’m also recognizing that our inability to admit our wrongdoing keeps us stuck in our defensive positions, which allows our egos to fool us into fighting, justifying, and defending every point of view—a complete drain of our energy.

I’ve noticed, however, that when I see the truth and can openly admit it, surprisingly, rather than separating, the admission can bring us closer together, healing some of the hurt we created during our conflict.

So admitting that we are wrong need not be a negative experience, but can instead empower us, lessening some of the control our egos have on us

The ego wants to hurt back.

For me, one of the worst things in the world is the pain of feeling hurt, as I imagine is true for most of us.

Sometimes, the hurt we feel paralyzes us and we’re unable to fight back, but at other times, the only thing we can think of is how we can hurt the other person back.

Our egos trick us into believing that hurting the other will alleviate the pain we’re feeling.

I’ve realized that in all conflict situations, it is actually our egos that feel hurt. Again because some value or aspect of the image we have internally built up of ourselves is being challenged, threatened, or undermined in one way or another.

I’m ashamed to say that on many occasions, both in my childhood and adulthood, my ego has wanted nothing more than to inflict as much pain on others as possible, as a way of lessening some of the hurt it was feeling.

But retaliation is not the answer; it only adds more fuel to the fires of our egos.

Maybe I can be forgiven for saying that in my childhood, hurting others was an unconscious reaction to my own feelings of hurt. And in the recent past when I was still unawake, hurting someone who hurt me was my natural course of action. But now, with my increasing awareness, knowingly hurting another is not something I can condone.

In the heat of ego fights, when my ego rears up ready to defend itself, I know it will be hard, but as I am becoming more and more able to check myself before I go over the line with insults I know will cause pain I plan to pause before reacting.

I consider this a huge triumph over my ego, and something I’m proud of.

Every time I can stop myself from blindly over-reacting to a perceived threat to my values and can become an observer of my ego and its games, I know I’m taking a step in the right direction.

The more conscious we can all become of our ego play in action, the more freedom we will gain from our egos. Then, over time and with consistent effort, positive changes to our life journeys and relationships are inevitable.

“You can’t avoid pain but you can choose to overcome it.”

Pain.
We all have it.

The pain reminds us that what happened was real and drives us to never let it happen again.

Much our lives are devoted to avoiding pain. Our brains have set up all sorts of defenses against pain and we say phrases like “I’ll never do that again” to gain some sort of control over it.

But despite the good intentions and protections we’ve put in place, pain is inevitable.

Pain has been my constant companion. We’ve been hanging out for many years now. Pain decided to move in with me. He followed me to work, to gatherings with my friends and family. Pain sat in my car, laid in my bed, got a membership and joined my gym.

Pain was everywhere and I couldn't seem to escape it. 

I learned to make peace with pain being part of my lifelong journey, but I’ve also decided that pain isn’t going to be the theme of my life. I want to have a plan for my pain.

I know that some traumatic events in life will never leave me and that I’ll think or talk about them for years to come. But rather than feeling the same gut-wrenching, panic-filled rage and shame with each recollection, I want to be able to reflect on my life knowing how painful times were but without reliving that feeling each time it comes to mind.

I think about it like breaking a bone. When you break something that was meant to be whole, it can be ridiculously painful. There are moments of agonizing, consuming hurt. The healing process is lengthy and hard. But when you heal and tell the story of how you broke that bone and how you recovered, you don’t actually physically feel that pain anymore.

You don’t feel that pain anymore because you recognized that something was wrong, felt the pain, decided you didn’t want the pain to stay and went through the process of healing or in my case, beginning the process.

When it comes to our emotional pain, some of us never go through these stages and we’re left feeling the pain from a wound possibly many years old which has been my case.

I thought I was doing well but what I realize now is that I was just burying it, ignoring it in hopes that it would just go away. So much that I didn't recognize the actual things that were causing me so much pain. I felt like a shell of a person. I was hanging out with pain each and every day and never realized it until I started therapy. 

I was trying so hard to get rid of the pain by actions that I didn’t allow myself to sit in it.

I thought that if I sat in the pain I wouldn’t survive it. I thought there was no way to mourn and make it out alive. I thought that if I allowed myself to really feel and embrace it, I would be stuck in the pain forever.

That, however, isn’t how it works.

Inviting the pain in is what saved me.

Letting the pain in is giving myself permission to fall apart, but it ISN’T saying that I want to stay that way. It is feeling the full weight of it all, all the anguish and heartache, and acknowledging how awful it was.

The point of feeling your feelings is to create room for healing to happen. This space is created from emotional release.

Instead of striving to get better, push the pain down, or attempt to numb it, I have been facing it head on.

I won't lie when I say that is is really, really messy.

I gave myself permission to express what was happening inside of me, no matter what it looked like.

It is me actively deciding not to hide from what is real to me.

And it left me with room in my brain to unpack how to become mended.

Feeling your feelings ISN’T the same as trying to torture yourself with your shortcomings or trauma. It is simply taking hold of a feeling when it comes, bringing awareness to it, and being kind to yourself about experiencing that emotion.

Pain isn’t pretty and it doesn’t require a pretty process. The important part is that you’re doing it. Living a healthy life on the inside is a great image but it is absolutely terrifying to do the work to get there. But it is one of the bravest, most rewarding practices you can do.

Through owning my pain and then going through the practical steps of healing (for me, I love therapy and intentional self-care), the broken bones of my soul don’t feel so painful.

I feel released. 

Edge of a cliff

Have you ever felt like you were on the edge of a cliff barely hanging on or that the next step you’ll surely fall to your death?  Sometimes in life when we get pushed to the end we have two choices: Fight like hell to stand our ground or just jump.  The scariest thing to do is to just let go and jump! But sometimes that is exactly what we need to do.  Often standing our ground where we are and fighting with everything we got even when things are not working is based on our ego.  The ego hates change the ego wants to be in control and we as human beings love the facade of being in control with everything in our lives.  Often the people that are the most ego driven believe they are in control of everything. (GUILTY)

We find comfort in the facade that everything is under their control.  The truth is in life we have very little control over anything. There are two things we have control over: Ourselves and our reaction to others that is it!!  No matter how much we believe differently the sooner we recognize this fact and accept it as part of our lives the better off we are moving forward.  So much disappointment in our lives comes from life seeming to just fall apart.  That feeling of true helplessness is because we created the illusion that we were in control of everything when truly we were not and it's terrifying. 

Taking that leap, letting go and believing that you can fly, is one of the hardest things we can do in our life but not doing it can lead to much more pain and disappointment than if you actually jumped.  Sure there is no guarantee that things will work out.  But by letting go you give yourself a chance, stop fighting the world and then questioning why things continue to be difficult or that bad things continue to happen.  Remember God/universe gives back to us what we put out there.  If all we are putting out there is fighting, pain and disappointment, God/universe will give us more the same.

I am not typically one to ask for help because of my ego/ pride. I want to tell myself that I have everything under control but a month ago I was really scared... Scared is not a word I use loosely but I was scared out of my mind. I decided then that things in my life and the way I was going about holding onto pain, resentment, sadness, and much more needed to change. I decided to was time to fly. I jumped into counseling and haven't stopped since. Each time I go I learn something new about myself. I've started living in the moment and not in the past. I've forgiven myself and also forgiven others because I now know that not letting go of the past is only harming myself and not allowing myself the peace I deserve. 

I used to believe that I wasn't worthy of love and pure happiness from others who were willing to give me that gift but most of all I didn't believe I deserved to give that gift to myself but you know what? I do. It's been there all along, tucked away in a dark cloud deep down. I've been on this journey for 5 weeks now and I am feeling lighter, beautiful, stronger, and loving myself more each day. The journey isn't ending here, it will be a life long journey of learning, forgiving, letting go, giving myself fully to those that I love and not holding back out of fear. 5 weeks, it's been tough and a hard pill to swallow but a beautiful awakening which I am so incredibly thankful for. I don't believe I have ever told myself that I am proud of myself. Life has thrown me some major curve balls but here I stand. So, I am pretty proud of myself and that alone makes me smile.  

Take a chance, let go and learn to fly!

Gratitude

Over the weekend I took a little bit of time to take in some much needed nature. I went hiking at Shades State Park. When I say hiking I am not talking about some paved pathway, I mean rugged hiking through the valleys through a creek bed. My legs are certainly feeling it.

I made sure to put my phone in airplane mode and I had no reception which didn't allow for any distractions. Pictures just don't do this place justice but I also tried not grabbing my phone every 2 minutes out of my backpack and was afraid to carry it in case I tripped from trying to take it all in.

Being Present

I took in all of the sights and sounds that nature was offering. I wasn't thinking about looking at my phone, I wasn't thinking about later, and I wasn't even worried about the time. I was present in the moment or hours I was out there. My worries and stress weren't present, just concentrating on my breathing and trying not to trip.

Gratitude

It's amazing what you can do when you are present in the moment and taking the time to soak it all in. For me, gratitude comes to mind. You are able to enjoy the life and beauty around you. Gratitude has been something that has been difficult for me. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for many things but what I have failed to do and most certainly working harder on as of lately is being mindful of all the things I am grateful for instead of worrying about all of the stress of the past that can't be changed and the future that has yet to arrive.

Thinking about the hike still brings a smile to my face. I'm thankful that I made myself go and proud of myself for taking it all in. I can't go back and change all of the other times in my life that I should have done the same thing because I can't go back, but what I can do is change the way I absorb things to come.

I made peace with some more things from my life recently which is why I needed this day to fully reflect. As I have mentioned in the beginning, it hasn't always been pretty. To know that I had to make peace with pain that I was holding on to, owning it, I let it surround me, stopped resisting it. Accepting it, being grateful for it and letting go of it. Until we learn to have a different relationship with pain, it will continue and continue and continue to weigh us down which is what it has done to me and I am loving the lighter feeling no matter how ugly it can be when you bring it to light.

To be present, to be grateful. Open your eyes!

Reclaiming Life after abuse

I’m a survivor of child sexual abuse.

But even after decades I still can’t say that completely without shame. That’s the nature of this kind of abuse. Logic tells us we were children. We had no choice.

But the wounds go deep and are so hidden that for me, and many like me, that feeling of shame becomes as much a part of who we are as our eye color. We just learn to live with it somehow.

We survive. But once innocence is lost, it can never return.

I believe many survivors of childhood abuse are drawn to spiritual traditions. Those of us who manage to fight the low self-esteem and the numbing lure of drugs and alcohol still need to make sense of what happened.

How do we explain the levels of cruelty and selfishness humans are capable of inflicting on the most vulnerable members of society? How do we become better and more whole humans through and in spite of it?

We know we need to forgive in order to move on and heal, and that’s something most of us can’t do without help. Even with a solid spiritual foundation, forgiveness can take a lifetime for something like this.

When the abuse ended, and I was able to grow up trying to live a relatively normal life the best I could. Except nothing is ever really normal again once you’ve been ripped of your pureness.

The silence around my abuse was nearly as damaging as the assaults themselves. As a young child I didn’t know how to talk about it. When I was 15 is when I finally broke my silence.

Are you a survivor of child sexual abuse? If you’re not, chances are you know someone who is.

Some statistics say one in four women and one in seven men have been molested, raped or abused before they are 18. That’s a staggering number.

And most survivors keep it quietly to themselves. We want to believe society won’t blame us, but experience tells us otherwise.

But healing is possible, and while no one would ever wish abuse on any child, I hope I can turn my pain into a powerful tool of transformation. 

When experts say the scars of child abuse last a lifetime, they mean it. In my teens, when I first began to deal with my abuse, I talked to counselors about it but by then with the response of those I told already had laid a foundation within me.  

Today, I see it as yes, it did happen and there is no going back to change the events. It does play a part in my life and who I am today. I often wonder what I would say to those who did that to me given the chance to open up about it. Would they deny it? Would they admit to it? I sometimes think that if they did admit to it and allowing me to express to them what it has done to me mentally and emotionally would it make me feel better or make me angrier? What if they apologized, would I feel satisfied? I suppose I may never truly know.